Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Satisfaction

Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

I've got a sweet-heart! I've got a sweet-heart! Her name is Miss Bernadette Fiske, and not only does she claim that I am her best beau, but that I am her tootsy-wootsy, as well! Huzzah! I may be 132 years old, but I feel more like 85! Oh, I am as giddy as a dish of jelly!

I have not yet seen Miss Fiske with my own eyes. Our courtship is solely one of the written word. You hydrocephalics wouldn't understand, but our correspondence bespeaks a love that exists only between those of the loftiest spiritual proclivities. To demonstrate, here is an excerpt from one of her letters:

That I cannot be in your loving arms sends me into the deepest throes of grief, precious T. Herman. But my work at the orphanage must continue. I am convinced I have received a calling to do the Lord's work. Your previous monetary donations have been abundant and generous. But only this morning, 12 new foundlings were left at the orphanage door, just as funds are again quite low. I feel ashamed to ask you this, sweet T. Herman, but could you send another $15,000? Again, the customary fives, tens and twenties are preferred.

As you can see, Miss Fiske is a living saint and, she assures me, a virgin, as well. It is interesting how women tend to be either virgins or whores. My mother, God rest her soul, was a virgin. The late Mrs. Zweibel was a whore. My old secretary, Mildred, was a virgin but became a whore. Nurse Pin-head stumps me entirely.

Speaking of the help, although I usually maintain an aloof distance from my servants, my acquisition of a lady-friend was too much to keep to my-self. I called in my man-servant Standish, Nurse Pin-head, Augustus the stable-boy and my scribe Braintree, and announced the news. I was hailed with sycophantic congratulations. I then asked if they had significant others of their own, and they replied no. "Of course not," I cried. "You are all servile and unattractive, while I am a great plutocrat whose wealth and power serves as its own aphrodisiac!" I then nearly laughed up my pharynx. It is true that my love-affair has restored my deliciously capricious sense of humor!

Oh, and since I'm sure you're all wondering, here is what Miss Fiske looks like. She enclosed this image in her last letter. What a beauty! And she is all mine!