Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

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Vol 35 Issue 39

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Dan Fogelberg Fails To Soothe Area Lite 108 Listener

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Detroit radio station Lite 108's claim of being "the station you relax at work with" proved false Monday, when M&I Marketing employee and Lite 108 listener Dean Claussen failed to be soothed by Dan Fogelberg's "Run For The Roses." "Where the hell is the media audit for the 26-40 demographic?" an angry Claussen shouted at co-worker Ira Geist despite the gentle, restful waves of Fogelbergian sound emanating from a radio less than five feet away. "How on Earth do you expect me to draw up a fucking proposal for the Mita Copier account without those numbers?" Linda Bahnsen, a representative for Lite 108, apologized for the station's failure to relax Claussen and urged him to continue turning on the Lite in the future.

A Good-News Prescription

If you're anything like me (and who on Earth wouldn't want to be? Har-dee-har-har!), what you could use right about now is some good news. After all, it seems like all you ever hear about these days are murders and wars and hurricanes and plane crashes and drugs and child abuse and crooked politicians. It's getting so bad, sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Isn't there any good news anywhere?"

The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?

Area Man Finds Soda-Winning Game Piece He Forgot About

ERIE, PA—While removing an insurance card from an infrequently used section of his wallet Monday, local resident Don Turnbee came across a soda-winning Inspector Gadget-themed McDonald's game piece he had long forgotten about.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Late Night

Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

I've got a sweet-heart! I've got a sweet-heart! Her name is Miss Bernadette Fiske, and not only does she claim that I am her best beau, but that I am her tootsy-wootsy, as well! Huzzah! I may be 132 years old, but I feel more like 85! Oh, I am as giddy as a dish of jelly!

I have not yet seen Miss Fiske with my own eyes. Our courtship is solely one of the written word. You hydrocephalics wouldn't understand, but our correspondence bespeaks a love that exists only between those of the loftiest spiritual proclivities. To demonstrate, here is an excerpt from one of her letters:

That I cannot be in your loving arms sends me into the deepest throes of grief, precious T. Herman. But my work at the orphanage must continue. I am convinced I have received a calling to do the Lord's work. Your previous monetary donations have been abundant and generous. But only this morning, 12 new foundlings were left at the orphanage door, just as funds are again quite low. I feel ashamed to ask you this, sweet T. Herman, but could you send another $15,000? Again, the customary fives, tens and twenties are preferred.

As you can see, Miss Fiske is a living saint and, she assures me, a virgin, as well. It is interesting how women tend to be either virgins or whores. My mother, God rest her soul, was a virgin. The late Mrs. Zweibel was a whore. My old secretary, Mildred, was a virgin but became a whore. Nurse Pin-head stumps me entirely.

Speaking of the help, although I usually maintain an aloof distance from my servants, my acquisition of a lady-friend was too much to keep to my-self. I called in my man-servant Standish, Nurse Pin-head, Augustus the stable-boy and my scribe Braintree, and announced the news. I was hailed with sycophantic congratulations. I then asked if they had significant others of their own, and they replied no. "Of course not," I cried. "You are all servile and unattractive, while I am a great plutocrat whose wealth and power serves as its own aphrodisiac!" I then nearly laughed up my pharynx. It is true that my love-affair has restored my deliciously capricious sense of humor!

Oh, and since I'm sure you're all wondering, here is what Miss Fiske looks like. She enclosed this image in her last letter. What a beauty! And she is all mine!

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