Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

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CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Zweibel's Got A Sweetheart!

I've got a sweet-heart! I've got a sweet-heart! Her name is Miss Bernadette Fiske, and not only does she claim that I am her best beau, but that I am her tootsy-wootsy, as well! Huzzah! I may be 132 years old, but I feel more like 85! Oh, I am as giddy as a dish of jelly!

I have not yet seen Miss Fiske with my own eyes. Our courtship is solely one of the written word. You hydrocephalics wouldn't understand, but our correspondence bespeaks a love that exists only between those of the loftiest spiritual proclivities. To demonstrate, here is an excerpt from one of her letters:

That I cannot be in your loving arms sends me into the deepest throes of grief, precious T. Herman. But my work at the orphanage must continue. I am convinced I have received a calling to do the Lord's work. Your previous monetary donations have been abundant and generous. But only this morning, 12 new foundlings were left at the orphanage door, just as funds are again quite low. I feel ashamed to ask you this, sweet T. Herman, but could you send another $15,000? Again, the customary fives, tens and twenties are preferred.

As you can see, Miss Fiske is a living saint and, she assures me, a virgin, as well. It is interesting how women tend to be either virgins or whores. My mother, God rest her soul, was a virgin. The late Mrs. Zweibel was a whore. My old secretary, Mildred, was a virgin but became a whore. Nurse Pin-head stumps me entirely.

Speaking of the help, although I usually maintain an aloof distance from my servants, my acquisition of a lady-friend was too much to keep to my-self. I called in my man-servant Standish, Nurse Pin-head, Augustus the stable-boy and my scribe Braintree, and announced the news. I was hailed with sycophantic congratulations. I then asked if they had significant others of their own, and they replied no. "Of course not," I cried. "You are all servile and unattractive, while I am a great plutocrat whose wealth and power serves as its own aphrodisiac!" I then nearly laughed up my pharynx. It is true that my love-affair has restored my deliciously capricious sense of humor!

Oh, and since I'm sure you're all wondering, here is what Miss Fiske looks like. She enclosed this image in her last letter. What a beauty! And she is all mine!