50 states
Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits
ANNAPOLIS, MD—Citing mounting debt and a decline in tourism dollars, the state of Maryland will shut down for good on August 31, Maryland Gov ...
Wisconsin Has Crush On Minnesota
MADISON, WI—After years of silent ardor, Wisconsin finally admitted Monday to having a serious crush on its neighbor Minnesota. "Dear Minnesota, I've been ...
Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave
CHICAGO—Forty residents have already succumbed to meat exhaustion due to steak, chops, ribs, and bacon.
South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend
BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend while ...
Iraq, Kentucky Vie For World Shooting-Into-The-Air Supremacy
COON HOLLOW, KY—Though worlds apart, Iraq and Kentucky each boast rich traditions of vertical marksmanship.
Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math'
COGDELL, GA—The Cogdell School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math" in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of ...
South Dakota Considering Maybe Putting Mount Rushmore On State Quarter
PIERRE, SD— South Dakota is thinking about maybe putting Mount Rushmore on its upcoming state coin, sources reported Monday. "I forget who came up with ...
Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether
CARSON CITY, NV—The Nevada legislature voted Monday to repeal all laws within the state and prohibit the proposal of any new laws.
Yalie Strikes Harvard Lad Sharply About The Face And Neck
NEW HAVEN, CT— A heated dispute over the relative merits of Harvard and Yale erupted into fisticuffs Monday, when Yalie William Vanderploeg, 20, struck Randolph ...
Olive Garden Voted Best Italian Restaurant In Annual 'Milwaukee Magazine' Awards
MILWAUKEE, WI—For the second straight year, Olive Garden took top honors in the "Best Italian Restaurant" category in Milwaukee Magazine's annual "Best Of ...
Everything Better Now In Oklahoma City
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Timothy McVeigh's death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims' loved ones describing themselves ...
North Dakota Drinks Itself To Sleep Again
BISMARCK, ND–Exhausted from another hard day in the wheat fields, the state of North Dakota drank itself to sleep Monday with the bottle of ...
Beauty Of National Forest Enjoyed By Logger
SAWTOOTH NATIONAL FOREST, ID–The rugged natural beauty of Idaho's Sawtooth National Forest was thoroughly enjoyed by logger Steve Orton Monday.
Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha
NORTH PLATTE, NE—Fred Linder, 46, doesn't think he could cope with the hustle and bustle of Nebraska's largest city.
Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats
ALBUQUERQUE, NM–New Mexico's five electoral votes swung back into the Bush column Monday when George W. Bush executed 253 Las Cruces-area Democrats. With ...
Communication With Florida Cut Off
TALLAHASSEE, FL–Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that all forms of communication with Florida, the bloody battleground for 25 electoral votes, have been cut off.
