911
Ten Years Later: A Look Back On The World Since 9/11
On Sunday, September 11, Americans will commemorate the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks that ended nearly 3,000 lives. As part of this remembrance ...
9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero
NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have ...
Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years
NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would ...
Responsible Cable News Outlets To Devote Sensible Amount Of Airtime To 10th Anniversary Of 9/11
NEW YORK—Promising to cover the event responsibly and with the kind of delicate restraint it deserves, the nation's cable news outlets announced Monday ...
Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial
NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay ...
Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington
UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington
NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to ...
Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine
NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 ...
Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers
Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy
WASHINGTON—In an act that many are calling long overdue, Congress passed legislation this week to honor those Americans who were first on the scene ...
Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial
UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the ...
Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims
SALINA, KS—Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to ...
Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center
Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim ...
Last Time Sources Checked This Still America
WASHINGTON—All across the country, from Maine to Mississippi, sources confirmed this week that last time they checked this was still America, and would remain ...
Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War
THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has ...
U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder said that although the years since the brazen attacks had been painful ones that forced all Americans to rethink their ...
Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate
Americans say attending a 9/11 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.
Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date
WASHINGTON—According to the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. could soon find itself in a "very real" 5/25 scenario, as well as ...
Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon
WASHINGTON—After spending another anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks at work, many across the country have begun to secretly hope...
Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed
After four years of work, architect Craig Dykers has revealed his plans for the 9/11 museum to built on the former site of the ...
Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11
NEW YORK—Supporters of the former mayor praised Giuliani for his "early and unwavering commitment" to 9/11
