alcohol

  • Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer

    ISSUE 48•08 | 02.25.12 | News in Brief

    SENECA, OR—Owner and founder of Fossil Bed Brewery Dave Walker, 39, reportedly struggled Saturday to find a way to work his 5-year-old Labrador retriever mix into the name of a new spiced winter ale. more»

  • Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus

    ISSUE 47•33 | 08.18.11 | News in Brief

    CHICAGO—Despite a lack of divine intervention by the Son of God or any other higher power, area man Tom Wendt has somehow managed to overcome his alcoholism, sources confirmed Friday. more»

  • Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change

    ISSUE 44•15 | 04.11.08 | American Voices

    According to New Zealand climatologist Jim Salinger, climate change may result in reduced malted barley, which would limit beer production. What do... more»

  • Area Man Can Tell Commercial Will Be For Corona

    ISSUE 44•12 | 03.17.08 | News in Brief

    BISBEE, AZ—Local man James Fitzner, 42, was able to successfully predict within seven seconds that a recent 30-second TV commercial was... more»

  • Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking

    ISSUE 44•09 | 02.27.08 | News in Brief

    LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the... more»

  • I Was Too Gone To Go To Work

    ISSUE 43•48 | 11.28.07 | Commentary

    Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been trying to keep myself dry in the shitstorm, you know? First of all, I... more»

  • Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor

    ISSUE 43•48 | 11.27.07 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Arguing that area bachelor Gary Tate, 34, is "becoming too old for this lifestyle," hundreds of representatives from the New York... more»

  • 7-Eleven Shareholders Approve Sale Of Busch Light Six-Pack

    ISSUE 43•46 | 11.16.07 | News in Brief

    DALLAS—A majority of 7-Eleven shareholders approved a $4.35 buyout offer Tuesday from Dean Lindell, 23, for a six-pack of Busch Light... more»

  • Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

    ISSUE 43•44 | 10.31.07 | News in Brief

    SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30,... more»

  • No Police Report Can Truly Capture My Love Of Drunk Driving

    ISSUE 43•39 | 09.26.07 | Commentary

    If you were to go by the public records alone, you'd get the wrong impression of me. You'd think that I was some kind of common lawbreaker who's... more»

  • Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again

    ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Commentary

    Last night was horrible. I'm not even going to go over who said what to whom or how you ended up sleeping in the backyard, because none of that... more»

  • Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

    ISSUE 43•25 | 06.22.07 | News

    COLUMBUS, OH—The skanks would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, forcing many bargoers to wait and continuously eye the suggestive pair. more»

  • Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song

    ISSUE 43•24 | 06.11.07 | News in Brief

    ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately... more»

  • Relapsed Alcoholic Takes Back All His Apologies

    ISSUE 43•02 | 01.09.07 | Radio News

  • Dog Ruins Bathtub Gin

    06.01.05 | Newswire

  • Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry

    ISSUE 41•21 | 05.25.05 | News

    YPSILANTI, MI—Due to outside influence and unforeseen events, the having-one-beer plan that 29-year-old Keith Flemming devised at the outset of Monday evening went awry. more»

  • Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink

    ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

    DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one of his patrons Monday. "I made that drink especially for him," said a visibly disappointed Meagher. "Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should've told me so. Then I could fix it." According to coworkers, Meagher hasn't been this upset since a patron thoughtlessly vomited four meticulously crafted Cosmos onto the street in front of the bar last Thursday. more»

  • Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room

    ISSUE 41•11 | 03.16.05 | News in Brief

    ALBANY, KY—Although he planned to engage in an afternoon of depraved extramarital sex with coworker Kara Lundy, businessman Bill Castille rediscovered his inhibitions upon entering Room 7B of the Honky Tonk Motor Lodge on I-90 Monday. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard that your tr—wait. What smells like a dead animal?" Castille asked Lundy, derailing a moment of unfettered lust. "Shit, what if someone sees my car in front of this trashy place? Okay, that ceiling stain just dripped onto the bed. That's it, I'm out of here." Castille might have left sooner, had he known his conversation was audible in the motel lobby. more»

  • Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex

    ISSUE 41•10 | 03.09.05 | News in Brief

    DETROIT, MI—Onlookers at Schutt's Tavern report that a bet between two customers grew to almost unworkable complexity Monday. "Okay, let's get clear on this," said bartender Tim Alighire, officiating the wager. "If Sin City doesn't suck, Roger has to join Gary's pool team instead of Keith's, but only if Gary gets Troy to join too, in which case Gary has to pay Roger's dues and Roger has to chip in for half of Troy's dues? And Troy... no, Gary gets to decide if the movie is good?" Watching his two customers shake hands, Alighire said he wished that hockey season hadn't been canceled. more»

  • Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly

    ISSUE 41•08 | 02.23.05 | News

    CHEYENNE, WY—The Milwaukee, WI-based Miller Brewing Company, well-known for extolling the responsible enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, has been calling, writing, and visiting Kevin Helvinski to encourage him to think before he drinks. more»

  • Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party

    ISSUE 41•04 | 01.26.05 | News in Brief

    AMARILLO, TX—In spite of the George Jones cover band and the Porterhouse steak dinner, the Lifeloc FC-10 Portable Breath Alcohol Tester was the hit of the Amarillo 12th Precinct Police Jamboree Monday night. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's my turn—gimme that or I'll shoot ya," said a besotted Sgt. Bill Dugan as he pawed at the breathalyzer in Officer Jack Ermi's mouth. "I just did five Cuervo shots, and I wanna see if I can get my blood number thingy up to .300." Attendees at the Jamboree said passing around the breath tester was nearly as fun as the impromptu pepper-spray fight at last fall's Coptoberfest. more»

  • Minibar Set Really Low

    01.19.05 | Newswire

  • Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita

    ISSUE 40•51 | 12.22.04 | News in Brief

    ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Wintrust Financial secretary Kerry Jorgenson finally succumbed to coworker Charlotte Franze's interrogation after the administration of a third raspberry margarita at Champ's Dugout Monday. "No, Helen wasn't really sick last week—she and her husband are in counseling," a tipsy Jorgenson told Franze after slurping up the last few drops of her Razzmatazz. "And Jeffrey in tech support? Queer as a $3 bill. He and his 'roommate' are taking a trip to Florence together." Coworkers announced plans to re-administer margaritas at some point in the future, to coax Jorgenson into confirming their suspicions that their supervisor Jack Doogan gets Botox injections. more»

  • Pabst Still Coasting On 1893 Blue Ribbon Win

    ISSUE 40•47 | 11.24.04 | News in Photos

  • Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related

    ISSUE 40•24 | 06.16.04 | News

    MATTOON, IL—In a press conference Monday, Mattoon-area police announced that the early death of Derek Yothers, 42, will be alcohol-related. more»

  • Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night

    ISSUE 40•18 | 05.05.04 | News

    CINCINNATI, OH—After a hard night promoting Heineken at a local bar, junior marketing associate Jason Schweiber, 23, spent Monday morning nursing a hangover and trying to remember what he'd said about Heineken the night before. more»

  • At What Point On St. Patrick's Day Did We Pass Out

    ISSUE 40•11 | 03.17.04 | Statshot

  • Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

    ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News

    MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that they broke up in a bitter, alcohol-fueled rage during the night. more»

  • That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

    ISSUE 40•06 | 02.12.04 | News in Brief

    GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled. more»

  • Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays

    ISSUE 39•49 | 12.17.03 | Tips

    The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly: more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

Follow The Onion

Sign Up For The Newsletter

Daily Weekly Video

Other Options: