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    Featured Section: American Families

    Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird

    ‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•22 • May 29, 2013
    HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the ...

    Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August

    News • ISSUE 49•21 • May 22, 2013
    PHILADELPHIA—Samantha Curtis, a 29-year-old sales clerk who has reportedly cracked three separate iPhone screens over the years, is due to give birth to a ...

    Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•21 • May 21, 2013
    WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son ...

    90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•21 • May 20, 2013
    BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to ...

    Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene

    News • ISSUE 49•18 • May 3, 2013
    BETHEL PARK, PA—A routine Schaeffer family movie night took a sudden and deeply uncomfortable turn Thursday when the family of four was forced to ...

    Dad Busy Throwing Seeds Or Something On Lawn

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•18 • May 2, 2013
    WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad ...

    Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•18 • May 1, 2013
    PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything ...

    Toddler Junkie Immediately Hooked On Looking At Trains After First Exhilarating High

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•15 • Apr 11, 2013
    HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly ...

    Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•07 • Feb 18, 2013
    COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that ...

    Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova'

    News in Brief • ISSUE 49•07 • Feb 14, 2013
    NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is ...

    Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents

    News in Brief • ISSUE 48•36 • Sep 7, 2012
    CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With a long-planned weekend visit from his parents looming closer, local homeless man David Ruffner told reporters Friday he has been scrambling to ...

    Grandfather's Advice Pretty Bad For Someone Who's Lived That Long

    News in Brief • ISSUE 48•25 • Jun 18, 2012
    NORTH AUGUSTA, SC—According to household sources, the Sederquest family was astounded by the glut of terrible advice offered Sunday by grandfather Bill Sederquest, with ...

    Scientists Finally Prove What Area Dad Has Been Saying For Years

    News in Brief • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•15 • Apr 14, 2010
    HOUGHTON, MI—A new study published in the science journal Nature has confirmed what area dad Charles Hillman has been saying all along, sources reported ...

    Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket

    News in Brief • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•05 • Feb 4, 2010
    OSHKOSH, WI—Insisting she recently received a ticket on Jackson Street, Brenda McCormick, 57, issued a stern warning to her son Justin...

    Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About Socks

    News in Brief • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•04 • Jan 29, 2010
    MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn't deserve the wonderful woman who showed him...

    Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

    News in Brief • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•03 • Jan 20, 2010
    BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30...

    5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up

    News • ISSUE 44•28 • Jul 11, 2008
    AKRON, OH—Before settling on tractor, Kendall Garretson contemplated a variety of possible career paths including professional shark and bouncy trampoline.

    We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up

    Commentary • ISSUE 44•22 • May 28, 2008
    By Fritz Becker

    Nation’s Grandmothers Swept Up In Textile-Messaging Craze

    News in Photos • ISSUE 42•24 • Jun 14, 2006

    Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag

    News • ISSUE 41•09 • Mar 2, 2005
    KANSAS CITY, MO—Although those close to Buster characterize him as a good boy, the area collie-rottweiler mix reported Monday that he will never live ...
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