17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11
NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about ...
Animals
Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning
ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly ...
Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion
WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation ...
Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans
COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced ...
Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals
TULSA, OK—Saying that he has always perceived a “unique connection,” chronically depressed zookeeper Andrew Holcomb, 46, told reporters Wednesday that he shares a deep ...
Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility
BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the ...
Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul ...
Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay
WOOFINGTON, D.C.—Aiming to strengthen yiplomatic relations with the nation of Furuguay, Bo Obama welcomed a visiting doglegation from the overseas country to the ...
Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after ...
Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point
COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children ...
Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession
RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its ...
Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle
THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part ...
