Archive

Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | OSN GOOMF

Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout. more»
Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Advice

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker: My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn? —Stump... more»
Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.” more»
Pet Eligibles

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Archive Feature

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds. more»
My Seed Is Pure

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Commentary

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. ... more»
A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Commentary

As I recall, it was the night of August 8, 1932. Hoover was in office, and my family was fighting to rally support for his re-election bid of that year. more»
Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Commentary

Well, I finally finished the spring housecleaning. Now I understand why people give their houses a good cleaning only once a year—what a chore! more»
U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ushering in a new era in American education, U.S. Secretary of Education William Norwell announced Monday that all U.S. more»
Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Brief

ATLANTA, GA—In a moving display of the Olympic spirit, the First Baptist Church of Atlanta will burn ceremonially throughout the entirety of the 1996 Summer Games. The 950-member church official... more»
Sports

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | Archive Feature

Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity! more»
Israeli Government Found To Be In League With Jewry

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Photos
Clinton's Head Sawed Off

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Photos
Man With Stupid Breaks Off Co-Dependent Relationship

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Photos
FAA Assures Public: Air Travel 'Pretty Safe'

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Photos
Bill Gates To Get Half

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half. more»
Bumbling Astronauts Caught in Wacky 'Lunch-Launch' Mix-up

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

HOUSTON—The international aerospace community was shocked Monday when the experimental new Phoebus 3 Space Shuttle rocketed into space prematurely, manned only with two bumbling NASA janitorial workers as pilot and crew. As of press time, it is believed t... more»
Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with a 12-gauge shotgun. “I can’t believe I’ve actually done it,” said an exuberant... more»
U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News

WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S. Drug Czar Richard B. McTaggart, the nation’s Commander in Chief in the War on Drugs, held a press conference yesterday to announce he is “higher than hell” after smoking marijuana with some friends. McTaggart, who appeared calm as he... more»
Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Brief

FORT WAYNE, IN—The addition of walnuts significantly improved an area chicken salad Monday, resulting in a more enjoyable taste experience for its eaters. more»
WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Brief

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. more»
Bob Dole For Windows to Replace Bob Dole 4.0

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Computer users are eagerly anticipating the new updated version of Bob Dole due in stores next week. more»
Company To Use Internet to Waste Money, Employees’ Time

ISSUE 29•24 | 07.23.96 | News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—An area medical supply firm unveiled plans yesterday to waste both money and employees’ time via the internet. more»
Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | News in Brief

SYRACUSE, NY—An area hairdresser went berserk Sunday, cutting Syracuse University sophomore Stacie Medding’s bangs without her expressed permission. more»
Charlton Heston Gets Serious

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a quarter century of wacky, lighthearted comedy roles, veteran actor Charlton Heston has accepted a part in a Biblical epic to air on TNT. more»
HMO Targets Blacks with 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Advertising executives say they have hit upon an ingenious new way to target blacks: Mount a campaign that co-opts their own language and musical style. more»
'Rock the Vote' Propels Metallica to Senate

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—MTV’s Rock the Vote campaign has propelled the heavy metal group Metallica to a U.S. more»
New Secretary to Personalize Workspace

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—U.S. Bureau of Departmental Operations secretary Helen Lastrom, 38, is slated to personalize her workplace, a six-foot square cubicle delineated by three grayish-brown office dividers, in the Bureau’s Minneapolis office this week. Her plans in... more»
Teams On The Move

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | Graphical Feature
A Message from the Publisher: Gold in the Yukon Territory? It's a Load of Malarkey!

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | Commentary

I’ve heard of these brave Americans who are rushing to the Great Northern territories in search of Yukon gold. more»
Today's Kids Have No Valor

ISSUE 29•23 | 07.09.96 | Commentary

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken: The youth of today have no valor! No courage of kings! more»

archive

Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Pet Eligibles

My Seed Is Pure

A Message from the Publisher: Only Hoover Can Get America Back to Work!

Either Hubby Rick's Wacky Acrylic Baseball Cap Collection Goes, Or I Go!

U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum

Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics

Sports

Israeli Government Found To Be In League With Jewry

Clinton's Head Sawed Off

Man With Stupid Breaks Off Co-Dependent Relationship

FAA Assures Public: Air Travel 'Pretty Safe'

Bill Gates To Get Half

Bumbling Astronauts Caught in Wacky 'Lunch-Launch' Mix-up

Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

U.S. Drug Czar Announces: 'I'm Higher Than Hell Right Now'

Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad

WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

Bob Dole For Windows to Replace Bob Dole 4.0

Company To Use Internet to Waste Money, Employees’ Time

Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HMO Targets Blacks with 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign

'Rock the Vote' Propels Metallica to Senate

New Secretary to Personalize Workspace

Teams On The Move

A Message from the Publisher: Gold in the Yukon Territory? It's a Load of Malarkey!

Today's Kids Have No Valor

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan