Obama To Close Guantanamo
President-elect Barack Obama is planning to issue an executive order to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office....
Barack obama
The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics
In 2008, two Democratic governors, Eliot Spitzer of New York and Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, were disgraced by illegal activities. What do...
Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama
WASHINGTON—According to sources, the socialist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama came out of nowhere in late 2007 and threatened to end the Illinois senator’s ...
Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe
WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents' culinary activities, Bill Clinton agreed Monday to disclose...
U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama
WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, the nation's economy is still going strong...
Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout
Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff for the president-elect, is calling for a more rapid response to help the struggling auto industry. What do...
Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President
LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to ...
Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are
The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly.
Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked.
McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW
PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely hammered...
Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama
NEW YORK—Less than 20 minutes after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, New York senator Hillary Clinton...
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected...
Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU
WASHINGTON—After taking in more than $150 million in September, Sen. Barack Obama's historic fundraising drive has continued to completely...
Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him
INDIANAPOLIS—Unless citizens throughout America keep him in their thoughts, say his name to themselves over and over, and otherwise believe...
'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder
TALLAHASSEE, FL—"If McCain can find some way to exploit this miscue, it could have the potential to be a real game-changer," said Times reporter ...
Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the New America Foundation, the race for the presidency could potentially culminate in...
