Basketball

Soccer Star Diagnosed With Chronic MLS

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.20.11 | OSN GOOMF

The Get Out Of My Face guys dip into the mailbag to answer each other's questions about Tony La Russa's World Series sex orgies and good news on the NBA lockout front. more»
Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti'

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.” more»
Miami's Alleged Violations

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sportsgraphic

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened. more»
Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown

ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

BEIJING—The bench-clearing brawl during last week’s exhibition game between the Georgetown Hoyas and China’s Bayi Rockets was merely the latest incident in a long-simmering conflict between Asia’s most powerful country and the coll... more»
Shaq Prepares For New TNT Job By Doing Research On Talking

ISSUE 47•30 | 07.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to prepare for his new analyst job on TNT’s Inside The NBA, 15-time All-Star center Shaquille O’Neal has reportedly spent the past two weeks gathering “crucial data” by studying reference books... more»
Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day

ISSUE 47•29 | 07.20.11 | Sports News in Brief

SAN ANTONIO—For nearly a week, Spurs center Tim Duncan has reportedly emailed his teammates invitations to join him on Google’s new social networking site, Google+. more»
Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•29 | 07.15.11 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Since Yao Ming’s intention to retire from the NBA was first reported last Friday, basketball fans across the country have been reflecting on the player’s nine-year career, with nearly all of them agreeing the Rockets center will ... more»
Dirk Nowitzki

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.19.11 | Strongside/Weakside

The Mavericks' 7-footer just shrugged off cries of "soft" and defeated the Heat's Big Three to pick up a championship trophy and a Finals MVP Award. Is he any good? more»
America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.17.11 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total f... more»
Shaq: A Retrospective

ISSUE 47•23 | 06.03.11 | Slideshow
Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’

ISSUE 47•22 | 05.31.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHICAGO — During Monday’s pregame broadcast, TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley confirmed that there have been only three straight players in the history of the league: himself and two of his former Phoenix Suns teamm... more»
Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Several NBA scouts confirmed Monday that Thunder forward Kevin Durant's recent success in both the regular season and playoffs could prompt more teams to draft very tall players. more»
Russell Westbrook

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.22.11 | Strongside/Weakside

Point guards are resurgent across the NBA, and there may be no better example of the modern point guard than Westbrook. more»
On Phoenix Suns Executive Rick Welts Coming Out

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.20.11 | Fan On The Street
Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.20.11 | Sports News

DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not putting any special thought or effort into winning the championship for veteran point guard Jason Ki... more»
Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.17.11 | Sports News in Brief

OKLAHOMA CITY—Following their Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Sunday, Thunder players spent several hours wandering the streets of Oklahoma City in search of a decent bar or nightclub to celebrate the organization's first Western Conferenc... more»
Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family that Rose could potentially be stuck in the zone, forever doomed to hit jump shots, break down defenses... more»
Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill... more»
Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.13.11 | Sportsgraphic

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs. more»
On The Lakers Being Eliminated

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.13.11 | Fan On The Street
Knicks Management Puzzled As To Why Chauncey Billups Wants To Return

ISSUE 47•18 | 05.03.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Several members of New York Knicks management expressed bewilderment Thursday as to why Chauncey Billups would openly express a desire to return for a second season with the organization. more»
Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics

ISSUE 47•17 | 05.01.11 | Keys To The Matchup

Boston and Miami are going head-to-head in what may be the most compelling matchup of the NBA playoffs this year. more»
Chris Paul

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.24.11 | Strongside/Weakside

Chris Paul has taken New Orleans to the playoffs almost by himself and is having an astounding series against the Lakers. Is he any good? more»
Frustrated Kevin Durant Realizes He Forgot To Write-Off Several Dunks On Taxes

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.22.11 | Sports News in Brief

OKLAHOMA CITY—Just hours after Kevin Durant mailed in his forms for 2010, a conversation with Thunder teammate Russell Westbrook Monday made him realize he had forgotten to deduct the results of some 600 dunks. more»
Shaq Sits On Celtics Bench Enjoying Garbage Bag Filled With Popcorn

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.22.11 | Photo Finish
NBA Honors Chris Paul For Heroically Saving Ball From Going Out Of Bounds

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.18.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—The NBA honored Hornets point guard Chris Paul Wednesday for heroically stepping in front of a stray pass and saving the basketball from going out of bounds. more»
Last Pick Of WNBA Draft Earns Title Of Saddest Woman In America

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—With the 36th and final pick of the 2011 WNBA Draft, the Seattle Storm selected 6-foot-5 center and rebound specialist Krystal Thomas, thereby officially making her the saddest woman in the United States of America. more»
Kobe Mad

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Photo Finish
Derrick Rose

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Strongside/Weakside

This acrobatic guard has become an almost certain MVP while single-handedly carrying the Bulls into the playoffs. Is he any good? more»
On The Bulls' First 60-Win Season In 13 Years

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Fan On The Street

Onion News Network On IFC »

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

02.13.12

Facebook

Follow The Onion

Other Options: