Basketball

Nation Mesmerized By Spurs' Dazzling Pass-Screen-Pass-Shoot Brand Of Offense

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN ANTONIO—In arenas, sports bars, and homes throughout the country, the San Antonio Spurs' dominating run through the playoffs has transfixed the nation with the breathtaking spectacle of their pass-screen-pass-shoot offense. more»
Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.21.12 | Sports Newswire

Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole more»
Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball'

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you se... more»
Metta World Peace

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.19.12 | Strongside/Weakside

Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow. more»
Superstitious Rick Pitino Admits He Has Gone All Month Without Changing His Hair Grease

ISSUE 48•14 | 03.30.12 | Sports Newswire

Superstitious Rick Pitino Admits He Has Gone All Month Without Changing His Hair Grease more»
Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.24.12 | Sports News in Brief

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance We... more»
Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | Sports News in Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. more»
John Calipari

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.10.12 | Strongside/Weakside

Newly minted SEC Coach of the Year John Calipari has led more schools to the No. 1 seed, and had more victories vacated from the records, than any other coach. more»
Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing everything they can to maintain the unusually high level of morale by painstakingly and method... more»
Soccer Star Diagnosed With Chronic MLS

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.20.11 | OSN GOOMF

The Get Out Of My Face guys dip into the mailbag to answer each other's questions about Tony La Russa's World Series sex orgies and good news on the NBA lockout front. more»
Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti'

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.” more»
Miami's Alleged Violations

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sportsgraphic

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened. more»
Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown

ISSUE 47•34 | 08.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

BEIJING—The bench-clearing brawl during last week’s exhibition game between the Georgetown Hoyas and China’s Bayi Rockets was merely the latest incident in a long-simmering conflict between Asia’s most powerful country and the coll... more»
Shaq Prepares For New TNT Job By Doing Research On Talking

ISSUE 47•30 | 07.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to prepare for his new analyst job on TNT’s Inside The NBA, 15-time All-Star center Shaquille O’Neal has reportedly spent the past two weeks gathering “crucial data” by studying reference books... more»
Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day

ISSUE 47•29 | 07.20.11 | Sports News in Brief

SAN ANTONIO—For nearly a week, Spurs center Tim Duncan has reportedly emailed his teammates invitations to join him on Google’s new social networking site, Google+. more»
Nation To Always Remember Yao Ming’s 22-Point, 8-Rebound Game Against Milwaukee

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•29 | 07.15.11 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Since Yao Ming’s intention to retire from the NBA was first reported last Friday, basketball fans across the country have been reflecting on the player’s nine-year career, with nearly all of them agreeing the Rockets center will ... more»
Dirk Nowitzki

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.19.11 | Strongside/Weakside

The Mavericks' 7-footer just shrugged off cries of "soft" and defeated the Heat's Big Three to pick up a championship trophy and a Finals MVP Award. Is he any good? more»
America Just Now Remembering How Much They Hate Dallas

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.17.11 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total f... more»
Shaq: A Retrospective

ISSUE 47•23 | 06.03.11 | Slideshow
Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’

ISSUE 47•22 | 05.31.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHICAGO — During Monday’s pregame broadcast, TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley confirmed that there have been only three straight players in the history of the league: himself and two of his former Phoenix Suns teamm... more»
Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Several NBA scouts confirmed Monday that Thunder forward Kevin Durant's recent success in both the regular season and playoffs could prompt more teams to draft very tall players. more»
Russell Westbrook

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.22.11 | Strongside/Weakside

Point guards are resurgent across the NBA, and there may be no better example of the modern point guard than Westbrook. more»
On Phoenix Suns Executive Rick Welts Coming Out

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.20.11 | Fan On The Street
Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.20.11 | Sports News

DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not putting any special thought or effort into winning the championship for veteran point guard Jason Ki... more»
Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.17.11 | Sports News in Brief

OKLAHOMA CITY—Following their Game 7 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Sunday, Thunder players spent several hours wandering the streets of Oklahoma City in search of a decent bar or nightclub to celebrate the organization's first Western Conferenc... more»
Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

BOSTON—After Bulls guard Derrick Rose led the Bulls past the Hawks averaging almost 30 points in six games, concern rose among friends and family that Rose could potentially be stuck in the zone, forever doomed to hit jump shots, break down defenses... more»
Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill... more»
Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.13.11 | Sportsgraphic

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs. more»
On The Lakers Being Eliminated

ISSUE 47•20 | 05.13.11 | Fan On The Street
Knicks Management Puzzled As To Why Chauncey Billups Wants To Return

ISSUE 47•18 | 05.03.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Several members of New York Knicks management expressed bewilderment Thursday as to why Chauncey Billups would openly express a desire to return for a second season with the organization. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

Follow The Onion

Other Options: