bosses

  • All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

    ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | News

    SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl... more»

  • Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed

    ISSUE 45•38 | 09.19.09 | News

    CHICAGO—"Now that I think about it, a lot of little things have sort of slowly added up, like when they reduced my lunch hour to 30 minutes last October," Stephen Durkee said while walking CFO Janice Dugan's poorly behaved English bulldog. more»

  • Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December

    ISSUE 44•30 | 07.25.08 | News

    COLUMBUS, OH—Brent Quigley considered sending the e-mail, clicking and holding his mouse arrow over the "Send" icon, but ultimately dragged it away. more»

  • Employees On Other End Of Conference Call Just Want It To Be Over

    ISSUE 44•07 | 02.13.08 | News in Brief

    NORTH ANDOVER, MA—Sources at NuVista advertising agency's North Andover headquarters announced moments ago that they want nothing more than a... more»

  • Conference Call Going Awesome

    ISSUE 44•07 | 02.12.08 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Sources at the NuVista advertising agency have confirmed only moments ago that the ongoing conference call with headquarters in... more»

  • These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings

    ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

    It's come to my attention that this office hasn't been managing time efficiently lately, so I'd like to use this open forum to address just a... more»

  • Editor Of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations Promises To Slip In Girlfriend's Quote

    05.30.07 | Newswire

  • Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place

    ISSUE 43•17 | 04.25.07 | News in Brief

    SACRAMENTO, CA—Lydia Bernoldini, the CEO of financial services firm Bernoldini & Co., consistently uses her personal carriage and manner... more»

  • Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

    ISSUE 43•15 | 04.12.07 | News in Brief

    RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as... more»

  • Steinbrenner: Torre's Job In Jeopardy If He Doesn't Win Grapefruit League

    ISSUE 43•09 | 03.01.07 | Sports News in Brief

    TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner informed reporters yesterday that manager Joe Torre could face firing if the Yankees do... more»

  • David Stern Feels Uneasy In Presence Of Basketball Players

    ISSUE 42•46 | 11.16.06 | Sports News in Brief

    NEW YORK—According to friends and associates, NBA commissioner David Stern gets suddenly quiet, visibly uncomfortable, and awkwardly on edge... more»

  • Résumé Font Offends Employer

    ISSUE 42•35 | 08.25.06 | News in Brief

    CHARLOTTE, NC—The decision to set his résumé in default-font Times–New Roman "deeply, personally, and irrevocably" offended a... more»

  • Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary

    ISSUE 42•35 | 08.25.06 | News

    EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years, vice president of finances Scott Winters finally found the "perfect gesture" to show his assistant how much she's always aroused him. more»

  • CEO Has Female Sex Organs

    ISSUE 42•28 | 07.16.06 | Radio News

  • Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

    ISSUE 42•18 | 05.03.06 | News in Brief

    BANGOR, ME—Office personnel coordinator Clem Chesterton, who was hired by your superiors last year to track work flow, project progress, and... more»

  • Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager

    ISSUE 41•19 | 05.11.05 | News in Brief

    CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday. "Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!" said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air. "Come on and join in. We all grew up on cheddar! What do you think of when you think of cheddar? Let's get some ideas on the board." Members of the creative team responded with mortified silence. more»

  • No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

    ISSUE 41•19 | 05.11.05 | Commentary

    Gentlemen, hello. Sorry I'm late. I had a hell of a time getting in the front door. Can you believe all those cameras? It's a zoo out there. You practically need a helicopter to... Okay, why the long faces? Great, everyone's mad at me. Hey, before I caused this corporate scandal, no one had even heard of Tevcom. more»

  • Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee

    ISSUE 41•08 | 02.23.05 | News in Brief

    WEST WENDOVER, NV—Although he hates working at Arby's "more than anything," prep cook Taylor Ochtrup, 17, told reporters Monday that he would quit if it weren't for the $6 meal allowance that he earns for every shift of four hours or more. "The hours suck, I always work weekends, and the manager is a dick, but hey, free Super Roast Beef," Ochtrup said. "And, if I work until closing, I get to take home any extra Curly Fries." Although he has no health insurance, Ochtrup said his kitchen drawers are "chock-full of Horsey Sauce." more»

  • White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation

    ISSUE 41•03 | 01.19.05 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON, DC—T. Eric Mayhew, 36, who began working in the White House kitchen the day President George W. Bush took office, submitted his resignation Monday. "The noble work of dishwashing preceded my appointment to this job and will continue long after I leave," Mayhew said. "It was an honor to serve under the president. I leave my post proudly, knowing the White House flatware is more sanitary today than it was when I began my work here." Mayhew will maintain his position until Bush appoints a replacement. more»

  • Nation Delighted By Rich Ass Who Fires People

    ISSUE 41•01 | 01.05.05 | News in Photos

  • Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant

    ISSUE 40•43 | 10.27.04 | News

    AMES, IA—The Oct. 22 office going-away party for Karl Roberts, manager for the past five years at Ames Farm Products Wholesalers, Inc., was "a little too jubilant," the 38-year-old former boss reported Monday. more»

  • CEO Doesn't Have Heart To Kill Plastics Division

    ISSUE 40•42 | 10.20.04 | News

    HOUSTON—Walking through one of his company's four manufacturing plants Monday, Sunford Industries CEO Preston Johnson said he can't bring himself to eliminate the plastics division. more»

  • Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt

    ISSUE 40•32 | 08.11.04 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Associate account manager Henry Keel's devotion to Wegman Financial Corp. fills CEO Roger K. Scarvon with contempt, Scarvon said... more»

  • Boss' Threats Hilarious

    ISSUE 40•23 | 06.10.04 | News in Brief

    KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical, sources told reporters. "If you like your job here, you'll start to shape up," Farner said, reprimanding a group of his underlings working in CDM's basement offices. "You think your jobs are guaranteed? Think again. I can replace any one of you, just like that. There are plenty of folks out there who would take pride in telephone sales." The employees, most of whom will quit before the end of summer, broke into giggles when Farner threatened to cancel the staff summer picnic. more»

  • Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

    ISSUE 39•38 | 10.01.03 | News in Brief

    HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers. more»

  • Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items

    ISSUE 39•02 | 01.22.03 | News in Brief

    INDEPENDENCE, MO—Unable to find anything else to do, bored Harry S Truman Middle School assistant principal William Podrewski rifled through the school's box of confiscated items Monday, searching for anything of interest. "Lots of cherry bombs in here," the 51-year-old Podrewski mused while sifting through the box, coming across a butterfly knife, a packet of raisins, and a Puddle Of Mudd CD. "Man, when I was a kid, I would have gotten seriously horse-whipped for having some of this stuff." Podrewski eventually settled on a faded March 1974 issue of Oui magazine. more»

  • Boss' Dick Not Going To Suck Itself

    ISSUE 38•27 | 07.31.02 | News in Photos

  • Boss Alludes To 'Crunch Time'

    ISSUE 38•20 | 05.29.02 | News in Brief

    MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Seeking to motivate his employees for a fast-approaching deadline, DCG Printing departmental manager Bryce Gillian referred to the following three days as "crunch time" Monday. "Apparently, Bryce thinks he has to get all of us psyched for the end of the Gymboree direct-mail catalog project," layout artist Pete Auriemma said. "If it would make him feel like he inspired us, I guess I could walk briskly between offices. That might help create a more 'crunch-timey' atmosphere." Auriemma said he is looking forward to Wednesday afternoon, when the project is expected to move from crunch time into "the home stretch." more»

  • School Principal Pauses For Applause That Never Comes

    ISSUE 37•39 | 10.31.01 | News in Brief

    WILLIAMSPORT, PA—During a speech before Medford Middle School students Tuesday, principal Arthur Morehouse paused for applause that never came. "So let's all join together and show the kind of spirit that made Medford the most academically improved middle school in the entire Williamsport area!" said Morehouse, raising his hands. After three seconds of silence, Morehouse added, "Well, moving on," and proceeded to speak for 20 minutes on the importance of keeping the lunchroom clean. more»

  • Video Store's 'Favorites' Shelf Offers Telling Glimpse Into Manager's Psyche

    ISSUE 37•23 | 06.20.01 | News in Brief

    ITHACA, NY–The "Favorites" shelf at King Street Video offers insight into the psyche of store manager Bruce Gannon, psychiatrists concurred Monday. "Gannon reveals much about himself with his picks," said Dr. Miles Levinson of Cornell University. "Deliverance, A Clockwork Orange, Lolita, Blue Velvet, Eraserhead, Natural Born Killers, Caligula... Apparently, he couldn't even find room for one film that does not contain sodomy, incest, or torture." Dr. Levinson recommended therapy and antidepressants for Gannon. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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