Business
Pepsi (PEP)
$81.55 (-$1.45) (-1.75%) Investors are nervous after another six months have gone by without a single Pepsi being sold.
One Of Letters In Company Logo Extends Out, Becomes Arrow
One Of Letters In Company Logo Extends Out, Becomes Arrow
Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave ...
Adidas Unveils New Running Shoe For Fleeing From Mass Shootings
NEW YORK—With the launch Tuesday of a massive nationwide ad campaign, athletic footwear manufacturer Adidas has officially unveiled the Adidas Bystander, the first shoe ...
This Has To Be Year Local Miniature Golf Course Finally Goes Out Of Business
WHITEHALL, NY—Claiming that the dilapidated, sun-bleached recreational facility had been on its last legs for years, local residents told reporters Monday that this has ...
Kirk Co. (KCO)
$12.48 (-$0.17) (-1.34%) According to analysts, Kirk Co. can capture substantial market share if the company could ever fully distinguish itself from ...
FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst ...
Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo ...
Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday ...
Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires
NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since ...
Hillshire Brand Company (HSH)
$37.71 (+$1.80) (+5.01%) Share prices jumped on the announcement that Lit'l Smokies will be the official smoked cocktail sausages of fun ...
Proud Boston Market CEO Announces Food Hasn't Been This Gross In Years
GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever ...
Coca-Cola (KO)
$42.98 (+$0.83) (+1.97%) Investors responded positively to the company’s efforts to boost its line of healthy offerings by introducing new lines ...
Bangladesh Garment Factory Hiring
Bangladesh Garment Factory Hiring
Nation Wonders How Ad Guys From Vitaminwater Do It
NEW YORK—Mere weeks after Vitaminwater launched its wildly popular “Make Boring Brilliant” ad campaign, Americans everywhere are reportedly at a loss to explain the ...
BP (BP)
$42.51 (+$1.36) (+3.30%) Attendees of the oil company’s annual shareholder meeting applauded after CEO Bob Dudley announced he doesn’t give ...
Toyota Executives Finally Fire Fucker Who Decided To Name Car ‘Yaris’
Toyota Executives Finally Fire Fucker Who Decided To Name Car ‘Yaris’
Weeping Tim Cook Spotted Screaming For Help At Steve Jobs’ Tombstone
PALO ALTO, CA—Eighteen months after the death of his mentor, Apple CEO Tim Cook was seen Wednesday pounding the tombstone of company founder Steve ...
Corrugated-Cardboard Lobby Once Again Rates All 535 Congressmen ‘Poor’ On Corrugated-Cardboard-Related Issues
WASHINGTON—Leaders in the corrugated-cardboard lobby published their annual report card for U.S.














