Boeing (BA)
$74.96 (+$0.32) (+0.43%) Confidence in the company was boosted by the fact that it makes big airplanes, which is pretty awesome.
Business
Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events
LAWRENCE, KS—A nearly uncontrollable excitement once again gripped residents of this small Midwestern city Thursday as they flocked in droves to see local coffee ...
Walgreens Manager Certain Dead Father Would Have Been Proud Of Crest Toothpaste Display
ST. PAUL, MN—Saying his late father must be looking down at him and smiling, local Walgreens manager Lawrence Trow stated Wednesday that “Dad would ...
Ford: New F-150 Pickup Truck Capable Of Crushing A Big Turtle In One Go
DEARBORN, MI—In a bold new series of print and television advertisements launched this week, the Ford Motor Company reportedly aims to appeal to consumers ...
Chipotle Mexican Grill (CMG)
$249.33 (-$17.18) (-6.45%) The Mexican fast food restaurant chain suffered a major setback today after announcing the unfortunate passing of the tiny ...
New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store
PHILADELPHIA—A new study published Friday by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania found that under certain conditions, even the most primitive of shoppers possessed ...
Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind
ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its ...
Caterpillar (CAT)
$86.33 (+$2.32) (2.76%) Stock prices rose as investors realized it was really fun to move dirt around.
Dunbar Family Forced To Discontinue Print Edition Of Christmas Newsletter
PAULLINA, IA—In an e-mail to readers on Monday, editors of the Dunbar Family Annual Christmas Update announced that due to logistical constraints, they had ...
Different Waitress Brings Order
FARIBAULT, MN—In a turn of events reportedly unforeseen by the party of four, the waitress at Tony's Family Restaurant who brought the Sostek ...
UPS Reports Troubling Drop In Residents Answering Doors In Lingerie
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now ...
Nobody At Capital One Can Remember Why It Put Vikings In Its Ads
MCLEAN, VA—Despite spending hundreds of millions of dollars in branding and promotion each year, no one at Capital One Financial Corporation can precisely recall ...
Half-Dressed Man Frantically Scrambles Out Of Home After Hearing Toyotathon Deals Won't Last Long
SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to eyewitness reports, visibly frantic area resident Dwight Freeman, 31, rushed headlong out his front door Sunday in a desperate attempt to ...
'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says
SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.” The pitiful man, who ...
Laid-Off Hostess Employee Forced To Look For Creme-Injecting Job Elsewhere
GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—Following Friday’s announcement that Hostess Brands was shuttering its facilities and ceasing operations, laid-off employee Howard Brock told reporters he was ...
