Collectible-Plate Industry Calls For Tragic Death Of Streisand
NEW YORK—Seeking a much-needed boost in sales, the collectible-plate industry said Barbra Streisand's demise would be ideal.
Celebrities
FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell
WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI has determined that mid-'80s pop star Rockwell poses no significant threat to national security.
Jesse Jackson Honored For Providing Inner-City Youths With Increased Photo Opportunities
NEW YORK—Jesse Jackson was awarded for providing inner-city youths with much-needed photo opportunities Tuesday.
Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair
BURWELL, NE–Local hair stylist Pam Nowicki would love to do Julia Roberts' hair, Nowicki announced Monday at the Mane Attraction Beauty Salon in downtown ...
Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward
KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported Monday. "From a certain angle ...
Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bruce Willis will star as The Abdomenizer, a federal agent with nothing to lose but those unsightly love handles.
Report: 32 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Still Not Famous
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, only 32 percent of Americans are still not famous.
John Henson, Craig Kilborn Meet For Historic Smug-Bastard Summit
NEW YORK—Talk Soup host John Henson and The Daily Show anchor Craig Kilborn arrived Monday at New York's Jacob Javits Center for the ...
New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances
WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an ...
Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic
LAS VEGAS—Legendary daredevil Evel Knievel will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace Saturday.
Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams
NEW YORK—The actor-comedian's reanimated corpse decried misleading telemarketing offers Monday.
Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading
LOS ANGELES—Actor John Travolta was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5, or "grief."
Hong Kong Leaders Make Desperate Plea To Jackie Chan
VICTORIA, HONG KONG—With their nation set to revert to Chinese rule, Hong Kong leaders called upon the one man who can save them.
Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Gary Coleman shifted the balance of power within the industry by endorsing the Psychic Friends Network.
Liz Taylor In Stable Condition Following Emergency Rhinestonectomy
LOS ANGELES—It was a return to the days of old-fashioned Hollywood surgical glamour Saturday, as Elizabeth Taylor was rushed to Yul Brynner Memorial Hospital ...
Scientists Discover Third Cindy Crawford Facial Expression
CAMBRIDGE, MA—This is the first discovery in this field since physicist Richard Feynman isolated Lauren Hutton's "aloof pout" in 1974.
New $5.1 Billion Surveillance Satellite To Provide 24-Hour Data On Lee Horsley
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what is considered the most ambitious mid-'80s TV star-monitoring program in its history, NASA on Monday unveiled the HORSTAT-II satellite ...
