Competition
Once-Great Competitive Eater Reduced To Hustling At 10-Cent Wing Nights
BUFFALO, NY—With one bad decision, gone was the $85,000 home outside of Akron, the mini-golf weekends, the mid-range American cars, and the decent-looking ...
Athlete Praised For Being Competitive
KNOXVILLE, TN—CBS college basketball commentators Billy Packer and Vern Lundquist took time during Sunday's Kentucky-Tennessee basketball game,...
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight
SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty, 30,...
Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer To Rematch
AUSTIN, TX—Lance Armstrong, the ultra-competitive seven-time Tour de France champion who recently ran the New York Marathon in under three hours, held a press ...
Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long
LEXINGTON, KY—Ever since a humiliatingly short mechanical-bull ride at the Cadillac Ranch last Thursday, area resident Scott Wiseck has been planning a rematch, the ...
Network Pushes The 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope
LOS ANGELES—Already home to Extreme Makeover, Trista & Ryan's Wedding, and According To Jim, the ABC television network is now looking to develop some ...
Hippie Very Involved In Hippie Non-Sports
AUSTIN, TX—According to acquaintances of the 22-year-old hippie, Chad Beresford is a frequent participant in hacky sack, frisbee, and other hippie non-sports. "Chad's ...
Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest
CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers ...
Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids
WINNEPESAUKEE, NY–A plucky band of colorful misfits from Camp Winnepesaukee proved no match for their spoiled rich-kid rivals Monday, when superior finances and connections ...
Report: Overseas Sweatshops Hurting U.S. Sweatshops
WASHINGTON, DC– According to a Labor Department report released Monday, foreign sweatshops are seriously diminishing the profitability of domestic sweatshops. "Since January 1999," the report ...
Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race
NEWPORT, RI–Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big, famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big ...
Evil Hong Kong Kung-Fu Legions Petition For Right To Attack Two At A Time
VICTORIA, HONG KONG–The Red Dragon Legion, a union representing Hong Kong's 22 largest evil kung-fu goon squads, formally petitioned the Hong Kong action-film ...
U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition
WASHINGTON, DC—With first-quarter Club Rotation Index figures the lowest in seven years, and imports outselling domestic 12-inches more than two-to-one, economic observers throughout the ...
