Coworkers

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | News

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered... more»
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Onion Special Report

Kevin Bright's coworkers were shocked to learn that the mild-mannered, reserved temp spends his free time performing shitty music. more»
Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out

ISSUE 46•33 | 08.19.10 | News in Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Friends of local man James Perry, reported Tuesday that the 29-year-old somehow lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and agitation despite of his total lack of any meaningful personal or professional responsibilities. more»
How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party?

ISSUE 46•01 | 01.06.10 | Statshot
Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | News

NEW YORK—"Huh, I wonder where everyone is," said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. "Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now." more»
Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | News

FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today. more»
World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall

ISSUE 45•44 | 10.29.09 | News in Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses... more»
Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.12.08 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Coworkers knew James Atkins had become a virtuoso of business jargon when he asked the group to participate in a "targeted brainstorm by EOD." more»
Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.11.08 | News in Brief

HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds a... more»
Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around

ISSUE 44•46 | 11.11.08 | News in Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—Digital Copy Shoppe employee Don Newson, 38, called in to work on Wednesday complaining that he was certain he had come down... more»
Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There

ISSUE 44•44 | 10.29.08 | News in Brief

POTOMAC, MD—According to coworker Luke Nielson, he almost got that exact same dish when he himself ate at the Water Lily Café located... more»
Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

ISSUE 44•42 | 10.18.08 | News

BURLINGTON, VT—Andrew Pagano, 39, assured that you had all your clothes on, the dream was very short, and it was actually one of those dreams where no one has faces. more»
Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.30.08 | News in Brief

[media:83607]WAUKEGAN, IL—In what is being called a breakthrough discovery in worker-administrator relations, a study released Monday in the... more»
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.28.08 | Newsroom

Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp. more»
Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.25.08 | News

COLUMBUS, OH—Brent Quigley considered sending the e-mail, clicking and holding his mouse arrow over the "Send" icon, but ultimately dragged it away. more»
Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

ISSUE 44•03 | 01.15.08 | News in Brief

CHICAGO—Thirty-four-year-old associate sales representative Ben Anderson, who got here as fast as he possibly could, is really, really... more»
These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings

ISSUE 43•49 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

It's come to my attention that this office hasn't been managing time efficiently lately, so I'd like to use this open forum to address just a... more»
What's-His-Face Fires Publicist

ISSUE 43•47 | 11.23.07 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—What's-his-face, possibly best known for his recurring role in a series of pretty big action movies from the past few years,... more»
Area Man Asked To Shoot Janice An E-mail

ISSUE 43•47 | 11.22.07 | News in Brief

DOVER, MD—According to fellow employees who observed the scene, office assistant Brian Rockwell has been asked to shoot Janice an e-mail... more»
It Only Tuesday

ISSUE 43•42 | 10.16.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from Monday's nightmarish slog, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end. more»
Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

ISSUE 43•41 | 10.12.07 | News

WEST ORANGE, NJ—"It was right here a second ago," said the owner of the sizzling Italian sandwich, which was last seen in the office break room at approximately 1 p.m. more»
Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

ISSUE 43•39 | 09.26.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC— Dressed in a special suit-and-tie uniform, Bush entered the East Room at about 3:30 p.m. and greeted an enthusiastic crowd of staff members. more»
Coworker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected

ISSUE 43•38 | 09.19.07 | News in Brief

WOBURN, MA—Accustomed to his fun, easygoing personality and solid status as the office cutup, Nick Bianchi's coworkers at Pierce... more»
Hubris Rewarded

ISSUE 43•37 | 09.13.07 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Hubris, the theoretically fatal sin of overweening pride, failed to lead to the tragic downfall of high-powered executive Ted... more»
Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months

ISSUE 43•32 | 08.09.07 | Sports News in Brief

CLEVELAND—Rookie quarterback Brady Quinn agreed to a five-year deal worth $20.2 million, including $7.75 million in guaranteed money, with... more»
Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response

ISSUE 43•20 | 05.18.07 | News

KANSAS CITY, MO—"When he put his hand on my shoulder, I knew it would be a while," recalled Harding, who could not escape from the monologue. more»
CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office

ISSUE 43•18 | 05.02.07 | News

NEW YORK— "We changed some language and cultural references to things our audience would understand," said producers, disputing the notion that the show could only work on NBC. more»
Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place

ISSUE 43•17 | 04.25.07 | News in Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Lydia Bernoldini, the CEO of financial services firm Bernoldini & Co., consistently uses her personal carriage and manner... more»
Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

ISSUE 43•15 | 04.12.07 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as... more»
We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department

ISSUE 43•11 | 03.14.07 | Commentary

Welcome, gentlemen. Please, make yourselves comfortable. I'm afraid Mei-Ling is picking out china patterns or planning a bridal shower or some... more»

coworkers

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out

How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party?

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now

Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall

Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon

Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around

Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There

Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale

Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

Courageous E-mail To Boss In Drafts Folder Since December

Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings

What's-His-Face Fires Publicist

Area Man Asked To Shoot Janice An E-mail

It Only Tuesday

Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

Coworker Not Nearly As Fun Drunk As Originally Suspected

Hubris Rewarded

Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months

Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response

CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office

Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place

Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

We Have New Intelligence Regarding The Identity Of The Counter-Spy Within The Department

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