Crime

Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Radio News
Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.17.12 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the best he's seen in his 30 years on the force. more»
'Only In New York,' Says Area Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.12.12 | Newswire

'Only In New York,' Says Area Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building more»
Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.24.12 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. more»
Burglar Makes Sure To Crack Glass On Family Portrait

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | News in Photos
Least Corrupt Politician In Illinois History Sentenced To 14 Years In Prison

ISSUE 48•01 | 12.07.11 | News in Photos
Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in '80s

12.02.11 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia recused himself from a capital murder case heard Monday, acknowledging his impartiality could be called into question due to the double homicide he committed in 1986. more»
Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison

11.30.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

The U.S. puts more people into prison than any other country and Brooke Alvarez gives us two possible explanations for why this is the case. more»
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.28.11 | News

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State earlier this month, a coalition of 10-year-old boys from across the nation held a press conference Saturday outside Beaver Stad-ium, home of college football's Nittany L... more»
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine

ISSUE 47•47 | 11.21.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life. more»
Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.16.11 | American Voices

According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons to obtain guns legally. more»
Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On The Street

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.23.11 | Radio News
Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad

ISSUE 47•34 | 08.27.11 | News in Brief

OKLAHOMA CITY—Facing a budget shortfall, the State of Oklahoma announced Thursday it would cease to conduct capital punishment by lethal injection and would instead carry out executions by hammering squad. more»
FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade

ISSUE 47•33 | 08.16.11 | Radio News
Necrophiliac's Release From Prison Seen As Threat To Area Corpses

ISSUE 47•29 | 07.21.11 | Radio News
Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

ISSUE 47•25 | 06.22.11 | News

POTOSI, MO—Almost two decades after Michael Hollings was put on death row for the murders of 76 men, women, and children across Missouri, evidence uncovered by an exclusive Onion investigation has exonerated him of three of the brutal slayings, rest... more»
Shelby Cross Instructs Viewers To Build "Justice Shed"

ISSUE 47•21 | 05.26.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Shelby warns viewers they need a place to hold suspicious-looking characters the police are too lazy to arrest. more»
FBI: 6 Dead Not Really 'Mass Murder'

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.28.11 | Radio News
Director Of FBI Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.15.11 | Radio News
Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

ISSUE 47•14 | 04.06.11 | Radio News
Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

ISSUE 46•01 | 01.07.10 | News in Brief

AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday in... more»
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.07.09 | Newsroom

The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself. more»
Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist

ISSUE 46•51 ISSUE 45•43 | 10.19.09 | OSN Video Vault

Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again. more»
Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge

ISSUE 45•40 | 09.29.09 | American Voices

As he tried to enter Switzerland to receive a lifetime achievement award, filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested in connection with the 1977 rape of... more»
Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act

ISSUE 45•40 | 09.28.09 | Newsroom

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson. more»
Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

ISSUE 45•39 | 09.23.09 | Today Now!

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck. more»
Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword

ISSUE 45•38 | 09.17.09 | American Voices

A Johns Hopkins University student used a samurai sword to kill a man who had broken into his home. What do you think? more»
Crime & Crime Fighters

ISSUE 45•37 | 09.15.09 | Slideshow
Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe

ISSUE 45•34 | 08.18.09 | American Voices

While calling 911 to report an assault at the Wisconsin State Fair, Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was attacked by a 20-year-old man wielding a metal... more»
More People Committing Insurance Fraud

ISSUE 45•24 | 06.10.09 | American Voices

According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, suspicious vehicle fires are up 27 percent, staged car accidents are up 34 percent, and suspicious... more»

crime

Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force

'Only In New York,' Says Area Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building

Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones

Burglar Makes Sure To Crack Glass On Family Portrait

Least Corrupt Politician In Illinois History Sentenced To 14 Years In Prison

Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in '80s

Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison

Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine

Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On The Street

Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad

FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade

Necrophiliac's Release From Prison Seen As Threat To Area Corpses

Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders

Shelby Cross Instructs Viewers To Build "Justice Shed"

FBI: 6 Dead Not Really 'Mass Murder'

Director Of FBI Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist

Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge

Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword

Crime & Crime Fighters

Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe

More People Committing Insurance Fraud

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan