Athlete Arrested
HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening ...
Crime
FBI: 'You Know You’re Desperate When You’re Asking The American People For Help'
WASHINGTON—Saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was ask “311 million mouth-breathing morons” for help, the Federal Bureau of Investigation freely ...
Pittsburgh Murder Rate Drastically Lower Since Steelers Released James Harrison
Pittsburgh Murder Rate Drastically Lower Since Steelers Released James Harrison
Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War
NEW YORK—In the latest of an increasingly violent series of murders linked to international prescription drug trafficking, infamous Pfizer cartel leader Philip “El Loco ...
Popeye's Home Boiglerized
SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4 ...
Man Arrested For Stealing More Than $50,000 In Beards From Hank Williams, Jr.
PARIS, TN—The Henry County Sheriff's Department announced Monday the arrest of a local man charged with burglarizing the climate-controlled beard humidor of country ...
Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force
LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the ...
'Only In New York,' Says Area Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building
'Only In New York,' Says Area Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building
Police Report: Sexual Assault Numbers Under Control, Unless You Count The Super Brutal Ones
LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one ...
Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in '80s
WASHINGTON—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia recused himself from a capital murder case heard Monday, acknowledging his impartiality could be called into question due to ...
Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison
The U.S. puts more people into prison than any other country and Brooke Alvarez gives us two possible explanations for why this is the ...
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'
'Doesn't Matter Who, Doesn't Matter Where,' Children Say
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State earlier this month, a coalition of 10-year-old boys from across ...
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.
Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns
According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons ...
