Culture

Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.18.11 | News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—A new study from the University of Pennsylvania revealed Wednesday that 81 percent of Americans experience muscle tension, elevated heart rate, and profuse sweating when asked what kind of music they most enjoy listening to. more»
Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.08.09 | News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple... more»
Timeless Masterpiece Liked

ISSUE 45•44 | 10.28.09 | News in Brief

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of... more»
Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

ISSUE 45•39 | 09.22.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance," said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan. more»
Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

ISSUE 44•43 | 10.25.08 | News

CHICAGO—David Simms couldn't believe he hadn't made the connection sooner after dating a string of nasally ushers and a stocky divorcée he met at a kosher deli. more»
America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race

ISSUE 44•35 | 08.27.08 | Commentary

The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our history.... more»
Soderbergh In The Park To Stage Production Of 'Ocean's Twelve'

ISSUE 44•33 | 08.16.08 | News

NEW YORK—Skeptics will be pleased traditional Soderberghian themes are present: anger, betrayal, and the travails of cool, wealthy people who plan crime capers. more»
Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon

ISSUE 44•32 | 08.08.08 | News

SEATTLE—"At first it was pretty awkward," said one observer. "But then it was like, 'Yes, Soundgarden is back.' It was so intense." more»
Sports Through With Helping New Orleans Recover

ISSUE 44•02 | 01.09.08 | Sports News in Brief

NEW ORLEANS—Following this year's BCS National Championship game, held in New Orleans' Louisiana Superdome, commissioners from all amateur... more»
America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•47 | 11.21.07 | Commentary

Something is amiss in these United States. A pall cast over the land that forebodes a looming sense of dread. The laughter of average Americans is... more»
One Last Ruben Studdard Reference Wafts Gently Into The Cool Evening Air

ISSUE 43•46 | 11.12.07 | News in Brief

ST. PAUL, MN—Spoken in a hushed and honeyed tone, the name of American Idol 2 winner Ruben Studdard spilled forth from the lips of a... more»
I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms

ISSUE 43•44 | 10.31.07 | Commentary

Last week, I was feeling a little, but not excessively, crazy. I'd fallen into a boring routine and it was time to shake things up. So you know... more»
The Most Boring Records In Sports

ISSUE 43•43 | 10.25.07 | Sportsgraphic

When the Titans found themselves unable to score on eight different possessions last Sunday, Tennessee placekicker Rob Bironas was able to break... more»
Entire GameStop Staff Summoned To Compliment Customer's T-Shirt

09.25.07 | Newswire
Pants Attempt To Convey What Owner Can't

ISSUE 43•39 | 09.25.07 | News in Photos
Bro, You're A God Among Bros

ISSUE 43•36 | 09.05.07 | Commentary

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night,... more»
Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For

ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—During a crowded rush-hour subway ride Monday, an inadvertent brushing of one human being's hand against the forearm of another... more»
Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem

ISSUE 43•34 | 08.24.07 | News in Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes removing... more»
This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

ISSUE 43•34 | 08.22.07 | Commentary

So, I'm in the Gap, right? The new fall line is out, and I'm looking at the standard fit, straight-leg jeans. And these fuckers are just awesome.... more»
Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not

ISSUE 43•34 | 08.20.07 | News in Brief

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—The Wikipedia entry on Dada—the World War I–era "anti-art" movement characterized by random nonsense words,... more»
Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget

ISSUE 43•33 | 08.13.07 | News

PARAMUS, NJ—"I'd love for students to make Santas with big, bushy beards, but times are tough, and cotton balls don't grow on trees," Bergen County Superintendent Jim Eckford said. more»
How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

ISSUE 43•31 | 08.02.07 | Sportsgraphic

As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the... more»
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

ISSUE 43•25 | 06.18.07 | News

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—"We at least have to see the next new episode of Lost before spilling the blood of the infidels," cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Shareef said. more»
Author To Use Water As Metaphor

ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | News in Brief

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming... more»
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended

ISSUE 43•22 | 06.02.07 | News

MORRISTOWN, NJ—"When most people hear The Merchant of Venice, they think 1960s Las Vegas, but it's time to shake things up," said maverick director Kevin Hiles. more»
MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless

ISSUE 43•22 | 05.30.07 | News

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—It is feared the sudden lack of online companionship could inflict long-term psychological damage among MySpace's 150 million users. more»
Henry Rollins Laboriously Explains Why Buying Organic Is Punk Rock

ISSUE 43•22 | 05.30.07 | News in Photos
Decency Accidentally Bred Out Of Human Race

05.30.07 | Newswire
Game Shows Now No. 1 Cause Of Death In Japan

ISSUE 43•22 | 05.30.07 | Radio News
Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book

ISSUE 43•21 | 05.22.07 | News in Brief

LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize The... more»

culture

Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music

Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race

Soderbergh In The Park To Stage Production Of 'Ocean's Twelve'

Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon

Sports Through With Helping New Orleans Recover

America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up

One Last Ruben Studdard Reference Wafts Gently Into The Cool Evening Air

I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms

The Most Boring Records In Sports

Entire GameStop Staff Summoned To Compliment Customer's T-Shirt

Pants Attempt To Convey What Owner Can't

Bro, You're A God Among Bros

Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For

Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem

This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not

Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget

How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

Author To Use Water As Metaphor

Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended

MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless

Henry Rollins Laboriously Explains Why Buying Organic Is Punk Rock

Decency Accidentally Bred Out Of Human Race

Game Shows Now No. 1 Cause Of Death In Japan

Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan