Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience
MASSILLON, OH—New MagnaSoles shoe inserts harness the power of magnetism to restore the foot's natural bio-flow.
Doctors
Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That
OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not ...
Doctors No Closer To Cure For Old-Person Smell
BALTIMORE—Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that after years of research and millions of dollars spent, no progress has been made in the ...
Study: U.S. Pets' Healthcare Better Than Rwandan Humans'
PHILADELPHIA—America has 15 veterinarians per 1,000 dogs, compared to Rwanda's one doctor per 1,000 humans.
Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence
ITHACA, NY—A radical new anti-aging hormone that promises to add years to humans’ pointless lives has been discovered.
Report: Americans Receive Majority Of Vitamins Through Hair
BOSTON–A report published in the Aug. 25 issue of The New England Journal Of Medicine indicates that the average American receives 87 percent of ...
Man Receives First-Ever Mouse-Heart Transplant
MILWAUKEE, WI—The patient will be able to enjoy a long, happy life as long as he doesn't overexert himself by attempting to walk.
Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch
LOS ANGELES—Struggling actress Heather Pryor, 24, announced Monday that Vagisil is her number-one choice for fighting feminine itch.
Hippocratic Oath 'Under Review' By HMO Board
INDIANAPOLIS—In a development bioethicists and health-care industry professionals are watching closely, the board of directors of Indiana HMO PhysCare-Plus, one of the largest and ...
Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'
BALTIMORE—Forgetful professor Humbert Huggins said the cure is 100 percent effective, and probably in one of his blue binders above the television.
Doctors Closing In On 'Second Head-Bonk' Amnesia Cure
ROCHESTER, NY—Researchers say that this revolutionary, nutty treatment could restore memories of loved ones.
The Holistic Medicine Boom
Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative medicine?
Study: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, once thought to stem ...
Lack Of Pre-Teen Cosmetic Surgery May Pose 'Serious Self-Esteem Risk,' Say Beverly Hills Doctors
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Children who do not receive corrective cosmetic surgery before puberty run a serious self-esteem risk "from which they may never recover," claims ...
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he ...
Dying Child Gets Last Wish
MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if ...
