America's Homeless Want A Hand Up, Not A Handout vs. I Want Handouts!
Though it may seem cruel, the reality is, a handout to that homeless panhandler you see on the street will do him more harm than ...
Economy
East St. Louis Rated Number-One City In America By 'Poverty Magazine'
EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The November issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year ...
Day Traders
Day traders–short term, high risk investors who buy and sell stock online from their own homes–account for a large, rapidly rising percentage of ...
Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption
WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread reports of ...
Busy, Busy Postindustrial Society
It's a fine day in Activeville! Everyone is hustling and bustling around, looking as if they have things to do! But you know what ...
Woodstock '99 Revenue Projections Displayed On Multi-Colored, Laminated Boards Somewhere In L.A.
LOS ANGELES—Revenue projections for Woodstock '99 were recently displayed on laminated, multi-colored boards somewhere in L.A., it can safely be assumed. "Success of ...
Money Continues To Pour In To Some Undesignated Far-Off Point Somewhere
FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE—With the U.S. economy booming for the ninth straight year, money continues to pour into some undesignated far-off point ...
Shit Parking Ticket Fuck
FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the ...
Telemarketing Industry Celebrates First Sale
DALLAS—A dinner-hour sales pitch for big, big savings on magazines yielded the first ever sale for the industry.
Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.
"They've been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice," said Victor Migliore of the ...
Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice
WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly ...
Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'
WASHINGTON, DC—Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives Plan" Monday. Under ...
Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area
ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft ...
U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day
The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid lives, dutifully trudged ...
Bar Mitzvah Marks Local Boy's Passage Into Materialism
BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—Thirteen-year-old Joshua Nussbaum of Bloomfield Hills became a full-fledged consumer Saturday upon the event of his Bar Mitzvah, the traditional Jewish ceremony ...
