Ecstasy Of Defeat

Plaxico Burress Returns Home To His Family, Accidentally Shoots Them

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.10.11 | Photo Finish

Ohio State Hires Jim Tressel As Head Football Coach

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.10.11 | News in Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith announced Thursday that the university has hired veteran coach Jim Tressel to helm the football program. more»

A History Of Ohio State's Rules Violations

ISSUE 47•23 | 06.03.11 | Sportsgraphic

Buckeyes head football coach Jim Tressel resigned last week following a cash-for-memorabilia scandal, but it's not the first time Ohio State has run afoul of the NCAA. more»

Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits

ISSUE 47•19 | 05.06.11 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits. more»

Security Escorting Draft Picks Offstage The Moment They Become Locked-Out NFL Players

ISSUE 47•17 | 04.29.11 | Photo Finish

New 49ers GM Asks If Team Can Use Draft Picks For Something Other Than Football Players

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.23.11 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—San Francisco's newly minted general manager, former scout Trent Baalke, asked the NFL head office for clarification on a point of order Monday over whether the team is required to exchange its draft picks for a football player. more»

Onion Sports 2011 Mock NFL Draft

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.22.11 | Sportsgraphic

Negative Comments About Big East Fail To Affect Anybody, Anything

ISSUE 47•13 | 03.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A recent outpouring of negative criticism levied against the Big East for the conference's poor showing in the NCAA Tournament has had absolutely no affect on anyone or anything, and will reportedly continue to have zero effect on the world... more»

Louisville Overcomes Early First-Round Loss To Advance To Elite Eight

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Sports News in Brief

SAN ANTONIO—After a slow start last Thursday in which they were upset in the first round by 13-seed Morehead State, the Louisville Cardinals have come roaring back in the NCAA Tournament, putting together several dominating performances and advancin... more»

Criminal Case Of 'USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds' Begins

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Sports News

SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giants outfielder who in 2007 capped his 22-year baseball career by becoming the MLB's all-time home run leader, arrived in Courtroom 10 of the Phillip Burton Federal Courthouse at 8 a.m. Monday to appear in Case No. 3:07-cr-00732-SI, USA v. Steroid-Using Liar Barry Bonds. more»

Car Blake Griffin Dunked Over Exacts Bloody Revenge

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.25.11 | Photo Finish

Area Man Filled With Sudden Desire To Go Outside And Play Basketball

ISSUE 47•12 | 03.21.11 | Sports News in Brief

BLOOMINGTON, IN—For the first time in "a good year or two now," local man Nelson Greenley, 33, was struck by the sudden impulse to go outside and play some basketball Saturday. more»

Office Pool's Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Sports News

COLUMBUS, OH—Employees at Take 5 Media said the smaller-than-usual stack of brackets printed out Wednesday for this year's NCAA basketball tournament served as a stark reminder of just how many workers have been laid off from the design firm over th... more»

Johan Santana Denies Reports He Will Miss Season, Waits 2 Seconds, Confirms Reports

ISSUE 47•11 | 03.18.11 | Photo Finish

Dirk Nowitzki Recommends Playing In NBA Games To Friends Taking Road Trip

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.15.11 | Sports News in Brief

DALLAS—Claiming they would have "so much fun" and "also get to meet some of my NBA friends," Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki enthusiastically recommended playing in NBA games when chatting Monday with several friends who were pla... more»

NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHICAGO—Fifteen-year veteran NHL official Michael Lussenhop confirmed in an interview Sunday that the most satisfying part of his job is when he's backed into a corner and has to grab the boards to leap over the puck to keep from interfering with th... more»

Injured Sidney Crosby Confined To Skatechair

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•10 | 03.11.11 | Photo Finish

BYU Students Protest Brandon Davies' Dismissal By Having Sex All Over Campus

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.11.11 | Sports News

PROVO, UT—In response to Brigham Young basketball player Brandon Davies' suspension from the Cougar squad for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, his fellow students have taken to their school's campus en masse, protesting the player's expulsion by engaging in flagrant public sex. more»

NFL Players Excited For Looming Work Stoppage: 'Playing Football And Getting Hurt All The Time Is The Worst'

ISSUE 47•10 | 03.11.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—With their collective-bargaining agreement less than a day away from expiring, NFL players expressed Thursday how thrilled they are at the prospect of a season-long work stoppage, saying that suffering near-traumatic injuries week in and we... more»

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

ISSUE 47•09 | 03.09.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant. more»

Jim Joyce Accidentally Deletes Book He's Writing With Armando Galarraga

ISSUE 47•09 | 03.08.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—As umpire Jim Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga completed the writing of their book, Nobody's Perfect, Monday afternoon, Joyce accidentally highlighted the entire document and hit the delete key, thereby destroying all 240 pages of text. more»

Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 47•09 | 03.06.11 | Sports News in Brief

FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee football's Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring ... more»

ESPN Doesn't Have Heart To Tell John Clayton He Has Never Actually Appeared On Television

ISSUE 47•09 | 03.04.11 | Sports News in Brief

BRISTOL, CT—Though they first pointed a camera at the NFL writer more than 15 years ago as a prank, producers at ESPN still cannot bear to tell John Clayton they have never actually put him on television. more»

Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•09 | 03.04.11 | Sports News

TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from shortstop to center field, citing the fact that he's Derek fucking Jeter and he'll play whatever fucking position he wants. more»

76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•09 | 03.01.11 | Sports News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly ask... more»

Rick Reilly Columns Increasingly Laden With Cries For Help

ISSUE 47•09 | 02.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than I Do," "The Hot Stove And Why I Want To Put My Head In It," and "Caddying F... more»

Confused Milwaukee Bucks Have No Idea What To Do After Rebounding Basketball

ISSUE 48•09 ISSUE 47•08 | 02.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and looking helplessly at each other, baffled players on the 22-35 Milwaukee Bucks had no idea what to do with the basketball Wednesday following a defensive rebound by center Andrew Bogut. more»

Car Blake Griffin Dunked Over Vows Revenge

ISSUE 47•08 | 02.25.11 | Photo Finish

Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team

ISSUE 47•08 | 02.25.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the Duke men's basketball team, and pounded the ever-living shit out them. more»

Calgary Flames Trying To Keep Fact That They're A Hockey Team From Landlord

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•08 | 02.25.11 | Sports News

CALGARY—While the Flames stand at a modest 31-23-8 and are in 8th place in the Western Conference, team sources revealed this week that the team's main struggle this season has been tricking their landlord, Mr. Bennigan, into thinking they are not a professional hockey team and that no hockey is being played on the Scotiabank Saddledome premises. more»