30% chance of Ragnarok
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    Featured Section: Family

    New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

    Today Now! • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•23 • Jun 4, 2009
    Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.

    You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth

    Commentary • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•22 • May 26, 2009
    By Caroline Devroux

    Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He's Gay

    Newswire • ISSUE 47•47 • May 20, 2009

    Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

    News • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•20 • May 16, 2009
    HARRISBURG, PA—"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin ...

    Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years

    News in Brief • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•20 • May 15, 2009
    CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility until...

    Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site

    Advice • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•20 • May 14, 2009
    Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site, My parents are getting to that age when they need a little more...

    Father No Longer Feels Nervous When Walking Daughter Down Aisle

    Newswire • ISSUE 47•47 • May 8, 2009

    Kids, Your Mother And I Are Getting Divorced When You Least Expect It

    Commentary • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•19 • May 5, 2009
    By Marshall Williams

    Congressman’s War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed

    O-SPAN • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•13 • Mar 25, 2009
    Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.

    Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team

    News • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 45•10 • Mar 7, 2009
    GLENDALE, AZ—"Whether it's arguing over home mortgage payments, or why the godforsaken lights are always on, David and Sheila never disappoint," said a ...

    Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go

    Commentary • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 45•10 • Mar 3, 2009
    By Zhi Peng Wuang

    Fuck Not Given About Brother-In-Law's Promotion

    Newswire • ISSUE 47•47 • Jan 12, 2009

    Grandma Shushed

    Newswire • ISSUE 47•47 • Jan 12, 2009

    Where Are We Taking Our Visiting Parents?

    Statshot • ISSUE 45•02 • Jan 7, 2009

    Friend Wants To Know If That's Sister In Picture

    Newswire • ISSUE 47•47 • Jan 5, 2009

    Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle

    Newsroom • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 44•52 ISSUE 44•51 • Dec 15, 2008
    Across the country, aunts and stepdads are braving crowds to get their hands on the perfect gift for the relatives they barely know.

    Things For Your Sister That Look Like They Might Cost $75 But Are Actually Promotional Items For Opening Credit Cards

    Sunday Magazine • ISSUE 44•49 • Dec 5, 2008

    Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

    News • ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 44•48 • Nov 28, 2008
    CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriends or husbands.

    Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations

    Radio News • ISSUE 44•45 • Nov 10, 2008

    Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

    News • ISSUE 44•45 • Nov 8, 2008
    MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in ...
    • Prev
    • 1
    • 2
    • 3
    • 4
    • 5
    • 6
    • …
    • 18
    • Next

    Recent News

    Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah LawrenceNation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa ThingSyrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A DayItaly, Japan Advance To G8 FinalsFinancial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World AgainSources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

    Recent Videos

    Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

    The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

    • Music: Great Job, Internet!: Here's a mixtape of all the samples from Yeezus

    • Film: Newswire: The Logan's Run remake is now being written by BioShock's Ken Levine

    • TV: Great Job, Internet!: Russell Brand eviscerated the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe

    • I Kissed a Republican Chewing Gum

    • Area Man T-Shirt

    • I Hate Whatever Today Is Mug

    • Will Season Four Of 'Downton Abbey' Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

    • A.V. Undercover: Alpine Covers Radiohead

    • A.V. Club Stand Down: Tig Notaro bombs onstage, then things get worse

    Follow The Onion

    Receive The Newsletter

    • Personals
    • FAQ
    • Contact Us
    • Jobs
    • Media Kit
    • Privacy Policy
    • Franchising
    • RSS & Apps

    The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved