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Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches
Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts
Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp
Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist
Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation
Suns Ownership Continually Dropping Hints To Steve Nash That He Should Demand Trade

football

Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady’s decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar’... more»
New Sitcom To Feature Blocking Tight End Living With Pass-Catching Tight End

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Friday they have ordered a full season of a new show called Loose Ends, a situation comedy about a buttoned-down NFL tight end known for his blocking ability who lives in a condo with his brash young teamm... more»
Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.16.12 | Sports Newswire

Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation more»
Roger Goodell Backs Off Expansion Talk After Being Reminded Of Jacksonville Jaguars

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.14.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Amid talks of "possibly adding a 32nd team" to the National Football League, Commissioner Roger Goodell was reminded by aides Tuesday that the Jaguars have been playing in the AFC South for more than a decade. more»
Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to... more»
Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | Sports Newswire

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security more»
Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone... more»
Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Photo Finish
Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sports Newswire

Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees more»
Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports Newswire

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff more»
Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | OSN GOOMF

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast! more»
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

02.05.12 | Photo Finish
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

02.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach. more»
Cocky Giants’ D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | OSN GOOMF

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football. more»
Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Slideshow

The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel. more»
College Football Signing Day

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sportsgraphic

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects. more»
Super Bowl XLVI

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Keys To The Matchup

It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game. more»
Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl. more»
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.28.12 | Photo Finish
Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | OSN GOOMF

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick. more»
Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports Newswire

Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker more»
Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter

01.21.12 | Sports Newswire

Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter more»
Eli Manning

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. more»
Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | OSN GOOMF

Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout. more»
Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Sports Newswire

Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer more»
Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | OSN GOOMF

The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams. more»
Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Sports Newswire

Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body more»
Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." ... more»
NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ... more»

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Nation Trying, Okay?

02.22.12

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