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Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate
Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site
Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence
Success Of I'll Have Another Making Nation's Other 3-Year-Olds Feel Inadequate
Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole
Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From

football

Jim Harbaugh Insists Michael Crabtree Has Best, Most Lickable Hands In NFL History

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, who has worked with such receiving greats as Tim Brown, Marvin Harrison, and Jerry Rice over the course of his career, found reason to praise his current top pass-catcher last week when he claimed Michael Crab... more»
Cowboys, Redskins Penalized An Additional $10 Million In Cap Space For Whatever Owners Are Planning To Do To Get Around The Cap

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.01.12 | Sports Newswire

Cowboys, Redskins Penalized An Additional $10 Million In Cap Space For Whatever Owners Are Planning To Do To Get Around The Cap more»
Jets Worry Tim Tebow Will Be Distracted By Wild New York Churchlife

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.01.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Despite an obvious display of enthusiasm for Tim Tebow's arrival at his introductory press conference Monday, the New York Jets admitted this week to concerns he may become distracted by the city's wild churchlife. more»
NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or restructured, as only 17 college prospects have declared thus far. more»
Bryce Harper Sent Down To Triple-A To Learn To Be A Bigger Dick

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.22.12 | OSN GOOMF

Doc and Kenny answer "fan mail" about terrible receivers in Denver, confusing NCAA-upset sex, and Bryce Harper's dickishness. more»
Tim Tebow Absolutely Horrified After First Phone Conversation With Rex Ryan

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.22.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Confusion, disgust, and terror were among the emotions new Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reported feeling after a 20-minute phone call with New York coach Rex Ryan. more»
Tebow, Sanchez Vow To Work Together To Throw Football

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.21.12 | Photo Finish
Dolphins Spend Entire Meeting With Alex Smith Venting About Free Agents They Couldn’t Sign

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

MIAMI—Quarterback Alex Smith’s meeting with the Miami Dolphins on Sunday was unproductive, sources confirmed, because team executives were on the verge of tears and unable to talk about anything except all the other free agents who have turned... more»
Peyton Manning Re-Injures Neck Saying No To Titans

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | Sports Newswire

Peyton Manning Re-Injures Neck Saying No To Titans more»
Broncos Calling Teams To See If They Need Anyone Who Can't Play Quarterback

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | Photo Finish
NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid... more»
The Redskins and Cowboys Violate The NFL’s Unwritten Salary Cap Rule

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.18.12 | Fan On The Street
Broncos' Manning Strategy Session Mostly Just Fantasizing About Accidents That Could Happen To Tim Tebow

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.17.12 | Sports Newswire

Broncos' Manning Strategy Session Mostly Just Fantasizing About Accidents That Could Happen To Tim Tebow more»
Notable NFL Free Agents

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.16.12 | Sportsgraphic

The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available. more»
Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.15.12 | Sports News in Brief

MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the Dolphins over whether their host city would make a good retirement ... more»
Wes Welker Signs 2-Foot Extension With Patriots

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.11.12 | Sports Newswire

Wes Welker Signs 2-Foot Extension With Patriots more»
Spate Of Offseason Kicker Suicides Blamed On Trauma Of Getting Iced By Timeouts

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.11.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A study released Friday concerning the four suicide deaths of NFL kickers in recent months suggests the players all exhibited signs of post-timeout stress disorder, a condition blamed on the "hellish psychological torture" of... more»
Panthers Admit To Paying Bounties To Anyone Who Could Make A Tackle

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.10.12 | Sports Newswire

Panthers Admit To Paying Bounties To Anyone Who Could Make A Tackle more»
Brooklyn Man Can Still Remember Where He Was When Giants Won Super Bowl XLVI

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—Giants fan and Brooklyn resident Charles Somers, 34, can still remember exactly where he was on the early February day when the New York Giants won the NFL championship by defeating the New England Patriots in the 2012 Super Bowl. more»
Breakouts And Busts Of NFL Combine

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.03.12 | Sportsgraphic

The annual combine can be a make-or-break event for potential NFL draft picks, and 2012 saw its share of standouts and washouts. more»
Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.18.12 | Sports News in Brief

BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady’s decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar’... more»
New Sitcom To Feature Blocking Tight End Living With Pass-Catching Tight End

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.17.12 | Sports News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Friday they have ordered a full season of a new show called Loose Ends, a situation comedy about a buttoned-down NFL tight end known for his blocking ability who lives in a condo with his brash young teamm... more»
Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.16.12 | Sports Newswire

Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation more»
Roger Goodell Backs Off Expansion Talk After Being Reminded Of Jacksonville Jaguars

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.14.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Amid talks of "possibly adding a 32nd team" to the National Football League, Commissioner Roger Goodell was reminded by aides Tuesday that the Jaguars have been playing in the AFC South for more than a decade. more»
Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.12.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to... more»
Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | Sports Newswire

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security more»
Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.11.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone... more»
Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Photo Finish
Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.10.12 | Sports Newswire

Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees more»
Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports Newswire

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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