Football

Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | OSN GOOMF

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast! more»
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

02.05.12 | Photo Finish
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

02.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach. more»
Peyton Manning Goes On 3-Day Football-Playing Binge After Being Dumped By Colts

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.03.12 | OSN GOOMF

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football. more»
Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Slideshow

The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel. more»
College Football Signing Day

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sportsgraphic

As Signing Day approaches, Onion Sports analysts break down the nation's top prep prospects. more»
Super Bowl XLVI

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Keys To The Matchup

It's Super Bowl time, and our analysts have methodically outlined what the Pats and Giants have to do so that fans don't feel vaguely disappointed by this uninspiring game. more»
Eli Manning Asks Peyton If He Can Crash At His Place

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.29.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Pointing out that Peyton has a big house in Indianapolis and that they never hang out together anymore, Eli Manning approached his brother Friday to ask if he could crash at his place when he's in town for the Super Bowl. more»
Pathetic Harbaugh Family Unable To Get Even One Son To Coach In Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.28.12 | Photo Finish
Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | OSN GOOMF

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick. more»
Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports Newswire

Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker more»
Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter

01.21.12 | Sports Newswire

Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter more»
Eli Manning

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. more»
Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Sports Newswire

Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer more»
Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | OSN GOOMF

The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams. more»
Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Sports Newswire

Ray Lewis Announces 2011 Final Season Before Killing Younger Player, Inhabiting His Body more»
Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." ... more»
NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ... more»
NFL Playoff Picture

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sportsgraphic

It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form. more»
Andrew Luck

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Strongside/Weakside

The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No. more»
Norv Turner Fired As Coach Of Chargers, Right?

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Photo Finish
Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year'

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach Rex Ryan vociferously defended Sanchez Thursday, confirming the former first-round pick was "ab... more»
Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.05.12 | Sports News in Brief

GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. more»
Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL - Sports Year in Review

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.15.11 | OSN GOOMF

Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing. more»
Bill Belichick Digs Past Knives, Derringers In Sock Before Throwing Challenge Flag

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.11.11 | Sports Newswire

Bill Belichick Digs Past Knives, Derringers In Sock Before Throwing Challenge Flag more»
Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | Sports News in Brief

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty," he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation. more»
BCS National Championship Game

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | Keys To The Matchup

Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof the BCS is a complete mess. more»
Tom Brady Autobiography Highlights The Highs And Highs Of Being Tom Brady

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.09.11 | Sports News in Brief

FOXBOROUGH, MA—A new autobiography by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the ups and even greater ups of being the three-time Super Bowl champion, sources confirmed Friday. more»
Cowboys Receiver Dez Bryant Runs Perfect Scenic Route

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.09.11 | Photo Finish

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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