None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On
WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that they...
Friendships
Bounty, Brawny CEOs Wearing Down Patience Of Mutual Friend
WEST PATTERSON, NJ—Though he has maintained a close friendship with both men for nearly a decade, Miles McCormick, 42, admitted Tuesday that...
Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend
PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone present...
Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party
HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening ...
Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy
DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco.
Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger
NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,...
Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life
CHICAGO—"You mean this entire time? On the bus? During my first communion?" Fred Havemeyer said. "Oh, Christ, the 60s! I just remembered the 1960 ...
Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour
ROCHESTER, NY—Those who have visited the diner agree that it uncannily appears after no fewer than nine incantations of "Dude, I am so fucking ...
No One In Group Admits Girls' Night Out A Colossal Failure
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PROVIDENCE, RI—After hyping the outing with several days of text messages, including "things are going to get crazy," "the Bod...
New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up
OSHKOSH—Brian Penderman went on to explain that the reason his penis was so sore today was because it had repeatedly entered and exited a ...
Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks
AMHERST, MA—After years of promising not to discuss work after hours but always failing, botanists at Hampshire College's Agricultural Studies...
Mass E-Mail Only Has Four Recipients
TALLAHASSEE, FL—A self-described mass e-mail containing the subject line "URGENT: Please help!" was sent from Jerrod32@gmail.com to only four...
New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night
MINNEAPOLIS—One month after moving into their shared apartment, roommates Nick Horowitz, 23, and Dan Crenshaw, 24, are still trying to...
Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor
NEW YORK—Arguing that area bachelor Gary Tate, 34, is "becoming too old for this lifestyle," hundreds of representatives from the New York...
Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends
LOS ANGELES—Evidence shows that Hollywood is a town of boundless goodwill and camaraderie, where backstabbing, ego-rivalry, and grudge-holding does not exist.
First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn
FAIRFIELD, CA—The orgy was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, and began with a melancholy daisy ...
No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home
YOUR SCHOOL—When asked which topics they would rather hear about than your high school girlfriend, your peers cited subjects from dorm-safety to Earth Science.
