God
God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO
MINOT, ND—Unemployed factory worker James Harold Gurshner told reporters Monday that God's plan for him, revealed during a moment of divine inspiration, requires ...
Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God
MOBILE, AL—Hugh Thompson loves telling people, even complete strangers, about his personal relationship with God.
God Late For Local Wedding
CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ...
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
WASHINGTON, DC—A U.S. judge ruled that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to break up into smaller deities.
Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit
COLUMBUS, OH—The gloriously jubilant gospel singing that pours forth each Sunday from Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church is enough to make local resident Doug ...
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 ...
God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz
SOUTH BRONX, NY—The Lord Almighty announced He has mad love for every nigga who has given Him props throughout the years.
Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'
ORANGEBURG, SC—Solid Snake does not know why God deems it necessary for him to endlessly repeat his mission.
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
NEW HAVEN, CT—The new diagnosis helps explain the contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled theologians for years.
God Loses Decision-Making Coin
HEAVEN–God confirmed Monday that He has misplaced His special decision-making coin. "I have no idea where I put it," a visibly distraught God said ...
God Wondering Whatever Happened To That Planet Where He Made All Those Monkeys
HEAVEN– Reminiscing Monday, God wondered aloud what happened to "that one planet I made, like, four and a half billion years ago, the one with ...
God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested
LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the ...
Malignant Tumor Sees Every Day As Gift From God
MUNCIE, IN–On July 12, the cancerous growth imbedded in the brain tissue of Warren Lenders got the news no tumor ever wants to hear ...
God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis
ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite wisdom ...
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy
'No,' Says God
SAN FRANCISCO—Timmy Yu’s dream came true Monday, when the Lord responded to his plea with a resounding no.
