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Government Admits To Hiding Embarrassingly Lame 1973 Extraterrestrial Encounter

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officials released a report this week detailing an exceedingly disappointing alien encounter that occurred in New Mexico nearly four decades ago. more»
Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they ... more»
U.N. Evicted From Headquarters

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.20.11 | News

NEW YORK—Citing squalid conditions "unfit for human habitation," the New York City Department of Health confirmed Tuesday that the United Nations had been evicted from its Manhattan headquarters for numerous safety code violations, including harboring more than 250 feral cats. more»
‘Forever’ Stamp Features Wrong Lady Liberty

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.19.11 | American Voices

The newest “forever” stamp from the U.S. Postal Service features a photo of the New York–New York casino's Statue of Liberty replica in Las Vegas instead of the original. more»
Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves

ISSUE 46•01 | 01.04.10 | News in Brief

BILLINGS, MT—In what is being called the largest wildlife embezzlement scheme in more than 40 years, Department of Interior employee Stephen... more»
President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.09.08 | O-SPAN

The press secretary tells reporters that before the president can defeat the monster, he'll have to defeat his greatest enemy of all: his own doubts. more»
Nobody Touching Punch At CIA Christmas Party

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.09.08 | News in Photos
Climate Change's Security Fallout

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Infographic

The National Intelligence Council recently addressed Congress to discuss the security threats that need to be considered in the face of global... more»
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 41•40 | 06.24.08 | Radio News
Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall

ISSUE 44•14 | 04.02.08 | O-SPAN

The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible. more»
Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War

ISSUE 44•11 | 03.11.08 | O-SPAN

A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the tasty chips and salsa Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) brought to the hearing. more»
Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

ISSUE 44•03 | 01.16.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled an updated, extremely detailed food pyramid Monday, which may redefine the way... more»
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

ISSUE 43•42 | 01.02.08 | Newsroom

For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008. more»
Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure Probably Some Sort Of Metaphor

ISSUE 43•51 | 12.20.07 | News

Many believe our overstretched and obsolete infrastructure may symbolize something important. more»
Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing

ISSUE 43•50 | 12.10.07 | News

WASHINGTON—Democrats were wary of the nomination, stating that America needs someone who will not blindly accept it as fact when told Mr. Bush flosses daily. more»
Conservation Group Condemns Waterboarding As Wasteful

ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 43•49 | 12.04.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—National Water Watch, a Washington-based conservation group, criticized the government's use of waterboarding Monday, calling the... more»
Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs

ISSUE 43•48 | 11.30.07 | News

WASHINGTON—Teaching students how to conjugate verbs so that they can describe events that have already occurred is a luxury many schools cannot afford. more»
CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•48 | 11.28.07 | News

WASHINGTON—"There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national intelligence. more»
U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car

ISSUE 43•47 | 11.19.07 | News

WASHINGTON—The agency is seeking supplemental funding to clean up the letters, packages, and crushed Budweiser can the teens left in their wake. more»
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•44 | 10.31.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the president's chair. more»
Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government

ISSUE 43•44 | 10.30.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical... more»
Postmaster General: 'Letter Carrier Surge Is Working'

ISSUE 43•44 | 10.29.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In testimony before Congress Tuesday, beleaguered Postmaster General John E. Potter stated that last month's nationwide... more»
Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections

ISSUE 43•43 | 10.24.07 | News

TALLAHASSEE,FL—"If governors can't execute prisoners legally in prisons, they're going to turn elsewhere for the procedure," said Dr. Daniel Blecker. more»
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

ISSUE 43•42 | 10.18.07 | In The Know

Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears. more»
Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High

ISSUE 43•41 | 10.10.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday, the cost of American freedom has soared from its previous 1779 high of bravery,... more»
Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise

ISSUE 43•41 | 10.08.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Meandering throngs walked for blocks in every direction, all the while chanting inspiring slogans like "What a beautiful day." more»
Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•40 | 10.05.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC —Thanks to the group's tireless efforts, six generations of civilians have never known the cruelty and duress of quartering unruly foot-soldiers. more»
Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 43•39 | 09.28.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC— "I agree we need this scientific apparatus, because, in the end, science is more important than it is unimportant," Rep. Bart Gordon (D-TN) said. more»
Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife

ISSUE 43•39 | 09.27.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Ever since his divorce from his wife of 22 years became final in June, Rep. Chuck Brunet (R-NC) sees "Mary's face in every... more»
Mike Johanns Only One Showing Up To Cabinet Meetings Now

ISSUE 43•38 | 09.18.07 | News in Photos