Government
John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011
DES MOINES, IA—Edwards' "Only the Good Things" proposal builds on previous efforts to end bad things such as skinned knees, curse words, and splinters.
Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good'
WASHINGTON, DC —"Maybe our men and women overseas just aren't what they're cracked up to be," said the President Bush of the thorough ...
Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School
WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason...
Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike
WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman Alan...
Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner
WASHINGTON, DC—"We must act now so that our children's children can live in a world without sweat," said president Bush, justifying the project ...
Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film
WASHINGTON, DC—Though the film isn't scheduled for release until June 29, a New York Times/CBS News poll found that nearly half the...
Congress Passes Seriously Uncool Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC—In a total buzzkill, the Senate on Friday passed some seriously lame legislation by a vote of 89-7, one week after the House...
Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa
WASHINGTON, DC—Hotshot Tulsa pool salesman "Cabana Al" has no idea why he was placed in command of a $40 billion budget and more than ...
Sheehan Quits Peace Movement
Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son in Iraq, is leaving peace activism, citing disillusionment with the Democrats and an antiwar movement that "often...
Supreme Court Reaches Landmark 'It Depends' Ruling
WASHINGTON, DC— "We're just nine justices—we don't have answers to all the country's legal problems," said Breyer, frustrated with the pressure ...
Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy
In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the "worst...
Idaho Legislature Declares English Only Language They Know
BOISE, ID—The Idaho Legislature passed a unanimous resolution Monday declaring English the only language the elected assembly knows how to...
Postal Rates Increase
The price of a stamp went up to 41 cents yesterday. What do you think?
Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'
WASHINGTON, DC—The department warned that all necks would feel the steely bite of its soul-thirsty axe as soon as funding is approved.
Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over
BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI investigators...
al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government
Radical Shiite cleric and militia leader Moqtada al-Sadr announced that he is withdrawing six of his ministers from the Iraqi cabinet. What do...
U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument
WASHINGTON, DC—"Now it can never be destroyed by terrorists," said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff, pointing to the blackened stump of the 122-year-old obelisk.
U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day
WASHINGTON, DC—Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. urged leaders of all African nations receiving U.S. aid to "hold off" on cashing...










