Hockey | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate
Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site
Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence
Success Of I'll Have Another Making Nation's Other 3-Year-Olds Feel Inadequate
Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole
Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From

hockey

Shane Doan Wins NHL's Byron Pepys Trophy For Tying His Skates The Tightest

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | Photo Finish
Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | Sports News in Brief

PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus station were adoring fans waiting to welcome them back. more»
New Jersey Devils Under Assumption They Were Invited To Brooklyn As Well

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.11.12 | Sports Newswire

New Jersey Devils Under Assumption They Were Invited To Brooklyn As Well more»
Washington Capitals Wondering Why They're Scheduled To Play Rangers Two Games In A Row

ISSUE 48•18 | 04.30.12 | Sports Newswire

Washington Capitals Wondering Why They're Scheduled To Play Rangers Two Games In A Row more»
Goalies Playing Prominent Role In NHL Playoffs

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.24.12 | Sports Newswire

Goalies Playing Prominent Role In NHL Playoffs more»
Pack Rat Hockey Goalie Keeping Six Dozen Gatorade Bottles On Top Of Net

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.19.12 | Sports Newswire

Pack Rat Hockey Goalie Keeping Six Dozen Gatorade Bottles On Top Of Net more»
NHL Playoffs Frequently Paused For NHL Pledge Drive

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.18.12 | Sports Newswire

NHL Playoffs Frequently Paused For NHL Pledge Drive more»
Flyers Neutralize Sidney Crosby With Pregame Light Show

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.14.12 | Sports Newswire

Flyers Neutralize Sidney Crosby With Pregame Light Show more»
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.13.12 | Keys To The Matchup

The Stanley Cup playoffs are here and the matchups are intriguing, particularly the feisty, fight-ridden intrastate battle between the Penguins and the Flyers. more»
Top NHL Playoff Contenders

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.06.12 | Sportsgraphic

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders. more»
Awesome T-Shirt Cannon Party Interrupted By Nashville Predators Game

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—A rousing T-shirt cannon party at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena was repeatedly marred by men coming out to play hockey Thursday, despite jeers and pleading from the crowd. more»
Sidney Crosby's Long Year Off

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.24.12 | Sportsgraphic

Sidney Crosby's back and doing very well indeed since a concussion forced him to sit out a year of hockey. We look at how he spent his recovery time. more»
NHL Reluctantly Signs Deal With Hockey To Continue As Their Sport Through 2016

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Despite revenue, attendance figures, and viewing statistics showing it continues to lag behind as the least popular major sports league in the country, the NHL reluctantly completed a four-year, $20 million deal with hockey Tuesday to conti... more»
8 Months In, Dany Heatley Still Unable To Bring Himself To Say Phrase 'I'm A Minnesota Wild'

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | Sports Newswire

8 Months In, Dany Heatley Still Unable To Bring Himself To Say Phrase 'I'm A Minnesota Wild' more»
NHL's New 'Blue Zone' Channel Only Shows Games When The Puck Is Within 3 Feet Of One Of The Blue Lines

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—Boasting that fans will now be able to see "every crossing of neutral ice and many of the faceoffs from every game," the National Hockey League introduced its new "Blue Zone" subscription-only programming channel Saturda... more»
Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa... more»
Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Sports News in Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually be allowed to feed the team, Predators officials announced today. more»
NHL Accidentally Makes All Three Of Its African-American Players Work On MLK Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Sports Newswire

NHL Accidentally Makes All Three Of Its African-American Players Work On MLK Day more»
NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—NHL officials seized the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizen's Park Bank during the opening festivities of Monday's Winter Classic, attempting to convince the 46,967 fans in attendance that flight 2734 ... more»
NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.18.11 | Sports News

TORONTO—After performing an in-depth 15-year study of professional hockey penalties, penalization practices, and the behavior of penalized players, independent hockey-law reform group JustIce concluded this week that the NHL's use of the penalty box... more»
Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.14.11 | Sports News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck. more»
Pathetic NHL Linesman Telling Women In Singles Bar He's NFL Back Judge

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.11.11 | Sports Newswire

Pathetic NHL Linesman Telling Women In Singles Bar He's NFL Back Judge more»
Popular New DirecTV Package Offers Zero NHL Games

ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.28.11 | Sports News

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Satellite broadcast provider DirecTV has been inundated with new subscribers following Monday's introduction of NHL ShutOut, a special new sports entertainment package that allows customers to miss 100 percent of National Hockey Leagu... more»
Alex Smith TD Pass Challenged On Grounds It Was Thrown By Alex Smith

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.06.11 | OSN GOOMF

The spittle and invectives fly as Doc and Kenny recount Sidney Crosby's travails and the WNBA's plan to horrifically maim their players for ratings. more»
NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. more»
Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies

ISSUE 47•24 | 06.10.11 | Sports News

NEW YORK—In recognition of its tremendous leadership and community work, the Stanley Cup was honored Wednesday for its dedication to helping developmentally disabled trophies. more»
NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other's Fingers Is Harmless

ISSUE 47•23 | 06.08.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In response to critics calling on the NHL to suspend Canucks forward Alex Burrows for biting an opponent’s finger during the Stanley Cup Finals, league officials released a statement Tuesday saying that toothless hockey players gummin... more»
NHL Fines Ozzie Guillen Just To See If He'll Pay

ISSUE 47•23 | 06.06.11 | News in Brief

CHICAGO—Following the latest outburst from the much-sanctioned White Sox manager, officials from the National Hockey League fined Ozzie Guillen $25,000 Monday in order to see if he would pay. more»
The NHL Playoffs Have Never Been This Exciting,' Reports Man Reading Cue Card

05.18.11 | Sports Newswire

The NHL Playoffs Have Never Been This Exciting,' Reports Man Reading Cue Card more»
Patrick Kane No Longer Able To Play With Blackhawks After Dad Gets New Job In Boise

ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 47•15 | 04.16.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHICAGO—Just days before the Blackhawks' first-round playoff loss to the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday, star right winger Patrick Kane announced to a stunned locker room that his father had taken a new job in Boise, ID and that he was moving away with... more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

Follow The Onion

Other Options: