Holidays

Nation's Moms Demand Christmas List

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.05.11 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—Saying the holidays are right around the corner and they want to make sure they get you something you'll really like this year, the nation's moms demanded a Christmas list Monday. more»
Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year's Must-Have Holiday Gifts

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.05.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket of vivid, low-odor chinese paint. more»
Unemployed Dad Channels All His Energy Into Creating, Running Haunted House

ISSUE 46•43 | 10.30.10 | News

PORT CLINTON, OH—Unemployed father Daniel Spencer, 42, has reportedly spent the past several weeks focusing all his time and energy on transforming his home into a haunted house for Halloween. more»
Halloween Origins

ISSUE 46•43 | 10.27.10 | Infographic

Every Oct. 31, children dress in a variety of popular costumes and go door-to-door collecting candy. Here's where that Halloween tradition, and several others, came from. more»
The Onion's Holiday Magazine

ISSUE 45•52 | 12.21.09 | Sunday Magazine
Holiday Maze Time

ISSUE 45•52 | 12.21.09 | Interactive Slideshow
Holiday Music Aficionado Urges Friends To Check Out 'Frosty The Snowman'

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.11.09 | News in Brief

SAN DIEGO—Calling it one of the "true overlooked gems" in the American Christmas-song canon, holiday music aficionado Steve Robinson... more»
Must-Have Gifts, 2009

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.09.09 | Statshot
New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•49 | 12.03.09 | News

SEATTLE—"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device." more»
Thanksgiving Today

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | American Voices

While the rest of the world goes about its business, the United States ill celebrate its traditional day of thanks today. What do you think? more»
Biden Pardons Single Yam In Vice Presidential Thanksgiving Ritual

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In keeping with a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition, Vice President Joe Biden ceremonially pardoned a 4-pound yam today at a... more»
Who Are We Inviting To Thanksgiving?

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | Statshot
Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.25.09 | News

ROCKFORD, IL—The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs. more»
Editorial Cartoon - November 16, 2009

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.16.09 | Editorial Cartoon
How Are We Scaring The Kids?

ISSUE 45•44 | 10.28.09 | Statshot
Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

ISSUE 45•02 | 01.05.09 | News

DUNDEE, IL—"This is what Christmas is all about," said a police investigator, who found the unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash. more»
Most Popular Christmas TV Specials

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.10.08 | Statshot
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | American Voices

The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of... more»
Dip Good

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.03.08 | News in Photos
Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.01.08 | News in Brief

UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china... more»
Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | American Voices

What are you thankful for this year? more»
In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume

ISSUE 44•48 | 11.24.08 | Newsroom

The pardon assures that Libby will not face any more repercussions for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal or be eaten on Thanksgiving. more»
26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

ISSUE 44•48 | 11.24.08 | News

NEW YORK—Although Jordan McCabe intends to stay at home, he will inevitably grow antsy, drive to a nearby pub and bump into at least five insufferable pricks. more»
Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey

ISSUE 44•47 | 11.18.08 | News

NEW YORK—"Lines were long but I wanted my son to be there when they peeled back the skin and threw salted butter and grease into the crowd," said Dean Carlson more»
Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?

ISSUE 44•45 | 11.06.08 | Commentary

I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be lonelier... more»
Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

ISSUE 44•44 | 10.31.08 | American Voices

Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders had to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as... more»
What Are We Handing Out For Halloween?

ISSUE 44•44 | 10.29.08 | Statshot
In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?

ISSUE 44•44 | 10.28.08 | In The Know

Panelists discuss whether Halloween candy and costumes have distracted us from placating demons to ensure a bountiful harvest. more»
Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend

ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | News in Brief

SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky... more»
2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota

ISSUE 43•50 | 12.12.07 | News

NEW YORK—The $30 million partnership includes tie-ins with the season's first snowfall and the smell of roasted turkey as it wafts through a warm and cozy home. more»