Human Interest

It Easy To Tell What Area Man Will Look Like As Skeleton

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.07.12 | News in Photos
Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.03.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama gently urged his staff Monday to try to include national security adviser Thomas Donilon a little more in the operation of the U.S. more»
Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.02.12 | News

OAKLAND, CA—Friends and colleagues of copywriter Timothy Gibula confirmed Wednesday that the anxiety-ridden 36-year-old is right to feel ashamed of every single thing he does, considering that all his acquaintances are, exactly as he fears, actively... more»
Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | News

CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored with 24-year-old shitty street artist Adam Zane, the love-struck Tisselo told re... more»
6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.07.11 | News in Brief

STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying his mother into the women's locker room at the local gym. more»
Parents Honor Dead Son's Memory By Keeping Up His Awful Blog

ISSUE 47•48 | 12.01.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

When their son, Geoff, passed away, Mary and Steve Patterson decided to honor his memory by keeping up Geoff's Tumblr where he made fun of shitbirds, fatties, and asswipes. more»
U.S. Births Drop Again

ISSUE 47•47 | 11.21.11 | American Voices

The number of births in the United States dropped for the third consecutive year in 2010, with birthrates in many age groups hitting an all-time low. more»
High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.19.11 | News

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday. The moron... more»
Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.16.11 | News

DEARBORN, MI—In a shocking revelation that has rocked Thomas E. Dewey High School, sources in Mrs. Trimble’s third-period English class are now confirming that 17-year-old Jessica Milly will soon begin putting out. more»
Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.14.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public. more»
Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.14.11 | News

ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness o... more»
'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•21 | 05.28.11 | News

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas. "Oh no," Wilmette, IL dim-bulb Stuart Rowley said after accidentally dumping nearly two-thirds of his 32-ounce Mountain Dew down the front of his T-shirt and onto his lap. "I spilled my soda all over." more»
Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•18 | 05.03.11 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Pfizer spokesman Vincent Martin announced that the company had achieved a major personal breakthrough Monday by finally summoning the courage and confidence to overcome its need to constantly seek the FDA's approval. more»
All Nearby Activity Stops As Friend Takes Call In Native Language

04.16.11 | Newswire
Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.14.11 | American Voices

A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think? more»
You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.14.11 | Radio News
134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error

ISSUE 47•14 | 04.08.11 | Radio News
Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes

ISSUE 46•01 | 01.09.10 | News

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"It was nice to get some chores out of the way," Terry Oberlin told reporters later, acknowledging that for more than half an hour he experienced no regrets, despair, or frustration of any kind. "Felt really good." more»
Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming

ISSUE 48•15 ISSUE 45•49 | 11.30.09 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry... more»
Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.19.09 | Today Now!

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet. more»
December Named National Awareness Month

ISSUE 45•47 | 11.17.09 | News

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month." more»
Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

ISSUE 45•45 | 11.06.09 | News

FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today. more»
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla

ISSUE 45•44 | 10.26.09 | News

ROANOKE, VA—"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn’t handle it anymore," said Seaborne's tearful wife, Christine. more»
Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In

ISSUE 45•43 | 10.22.09 | News in Brief

WAUWATOSA, WI—With the lower half of his body pinned beneath the two-ton bulk of an overturned Jeep, Dennis Wagar told reporters Monday that... more»
Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

ISSUE 45•37 | 09.12.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland. more»
Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

ISSUE 45•02 | 01.06.09 | Today Now!

Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montaug, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse. more»
Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.13.08 | News

CATONSVILLE, MD—"What's a man that age doing near a well to begin with?" said Janice Peters, who spent the day not praying for the safety of the trapped 38-year-old. more»
Tennis Ball Brought On Trip

ISSUE 44•50 | 12.09.08 | News in Brief

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Jeremy McCormick, 14, confirmed Tuesday that he brought a tennis ball on his trip to Florida. "I figured I'd bring it... more»
Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—All of area resident Brian Shepard's problems, including his fear of commitment, lack of personal direction, and inability to learn... more»
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.05.08 | American Voices

The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of... more»

human interest

It Easy To Tell What Area Man Will Look Like As Skeleton

Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More

Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does

Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart

6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room

Parents Honor Dead Son's Memory By Keeping Up His Awful Blog

U.S. Births Drop Again

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval

All Nearby Activity Stops As Friend Takes Call In Native Language

Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error

Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes

Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

December Named National Awareness Month

Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla

Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

Tennis Ball Brought On Trip

Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems

Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan