Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems
ATLANTA—All of area resident Brian Shepard's problems, including his fear of commitment, lack of personal direction, and inability to learn...
Human interest
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company
The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of...
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants
DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but...
Need For More Places To Sit Becomes Election's Most Important Issue
WASHINGTON—According to a revealing new Washington Post–ABC News poll, the need for more places to sit is rapidly eclipsing the...
Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand
FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and...
Man Dives Haphazardly Into Conversation Like Wounded Osprey
BLOOMFIELD, CT—Local man Alan Heller, 37, hovered near a gathering of acquaintances for 30 seconds and then plunged haphazardly into their...
'Carpe Diem,' Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room
OLYMPIA, WA—"Read a book, write a letter, go to a museum," Ian Schiller advised through a yawn, still visibly fatigued from his onanistic excess.
Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days
MOLINE, TX—Crushed under the weight of a sudden and unexpected emotional collapse Friday, local resident Sam Cartwright spent 72 hours...
Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger
NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,...
