Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing
SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual ...
Kids
Teacher Grading Papers Next To You On Plane Not Pulling Any Punches
ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you ...
Call From Daycare Can't Be Good
HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that ...
High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day
BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up ...
Toddler Junkie Immediately Hooked On Looking At Trains After First Exhilarating High
HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly ...
Waters Tested As 12-Year-Old Says ‘Shit’ In Front Of Mom For First Time
SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying ...
Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories
The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us ...
Former Bully Wistfully Watching Group Of Kids With Down Syndrome Playing In Park
Former Bully Wistfully Watching Group Of Kids With Down Syndrome Playing In Park
4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes
BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll ...
5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape
ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. "Circles ...
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...
Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase
SAGINAW, MI—According to Franklin Middle School seventh-grader and closeted homosexual Ben McElroy, the highlight of his day is the 30 minutes between third and ...
Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird'
'God, Those Were The Days,' Longing Citizens Announce
WACO, TX—The nation gazed wistfully at high school sophomore Eliza Baker as she took notes in a dog-eared copy of Harper Lee’s To ...
Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'
'Nope, Can't Deal With That Today,' Populace Says
RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words ...
Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior
WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior ...
Twitter: How It Failed To Solve This Child's Kidnapping
Catch a sneak peak at this weekend's Onion Magazine.
Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends
IRVING, TX—At a gala event last weekend, the Boy Scouts of America celebrated its century-long legacy of preparing young men for lifetimes devoid of ...
Presidential Fitness Test Now Awarded To Any Kid Who Can Eat Without Sweating
WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's ...
