WASHINGTON—Finally conceding it is unrealistic to expect today's children to complete a pull-up, run a mile, or touch their toes, the President's ...

PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a ...

ITHACA, NY—"I'm going to be the big boy of the house until he gets back," said 5-year-old Ryan Lewis, whose daddy now resides ...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player...

TULSA, OK—Though Tiger Woods told reporters he was "pleased" to win the PGA Championship last Sunday, the 13-time major winner said he was...

FORT WAYNE, IN—A eulogy delivered at St. John's Church yesterday by Joshua Gable, 16, for his late friend Darren Hall, 16, was composed...

BEDFORD, NH—Amidst consideration of new safety regulations that would ban the use of aluminum bats in Little League competition, a small but...

SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories' new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal cords of infants, rendering ...

MURFREESBORO, TN—In the fourth such reprisal for bad behavior this week, Daddy is hitting Mommy again, under-the-bed sources reported Tuesday. The hitting, which was ...

BOSTON—A groundbreaking study released Monday by the American Medical Association, conducted in conjunction with the National Organization of Craft and Hobby Retailers, finds that ...

WATERBURY, CT—Shortly before homeroom, Staunton Junior High students freely offered an in-depth critique of Shelley Griese's many flaws.

REDDING, CA—A junior-high gym-class badminton unit resulted in 948 "shuttlecock"-based double entendres Monday, shattering the previous mark of 761. The 948 jokes, all ...

MINNEAPOLIS—The Rumanian cadaver who feeds on the blood of the living restated his endorsement of the death-themed children's cereal.

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion, sources reported. The book ...

JASPER, IN–Jasper Junior High School became the site of the nation's latest incident of teen ridicule Tuesday, when a pair of lunch ladies ...