Local
Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67
INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public ...
Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor
WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained ...
Area Man Can Actually Feel The Advanced Vapor Action Working
ELMIRA, NY—Local resident Maurice Weathers enjoyed temporary relief from congestion and minor throat irritation Monday thanks to the fast-acting advanced vapor action of Halls ...
Octogenarian May Already Have Won Huge Cash Prize
POMPANO BEACH, FL—Beatrice Farmer, a Pompano Beach-area octogenarian, received notification Monday that she may already have won a huge cash prize.
Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight
SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating ...
Ironic Porn Purchase Leads To Unironic Ejaculation
WINNETKA, IL—A local man's ironic purchase of a humorously titled hardcore-porn video Saturday led to a sincere, earnest ejaculation devoid of any irony ...
Roommate All Into Cycling Now
IOWA CITY, IA—According to area resident Jonathan Radzinski, after two months of being completely into fencing, roommate Jeff Specht is suddenly all into cycling ...
Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise
PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah, I get ...
Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash
SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47 ...
Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants
NORTH PLATTE, NE–"Aphrodite's Fantasy '99," a no-holds-barred, free-for-all orgy intended by organizers to be "a week-long carnal smorgasbord of wild, untamed sexual abandon ...
Child Unimpressed With Aurora Borealis After Whole Day Of Tekken 3
INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—A wide-eyed gaze of childlike wonderment over the incomprehensible majesty of creation was not elicited Monday, when 7-year-old Kenny Meier, son of ...
Local Man Orders Now
ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan™, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered ...
Cell-Phone User Promises Girlfriend, Entire Post Office He'll Try To Change
RALEIGH, NC—Speaking on his cell phone while waiting in line to buy stamps Monday, Brad McCall assured girlfriend Stephanie Green, as well as 14 ...
Child Earns Clock Radio For 78 Hours Of Work
OMAHA, NE—Peter Hewson learned an important lesson about the value of hard work Monday and received an exciting reward at the same time, when ...
Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes
TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty's Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to rethink ...
Non-Spooktacular Haunted House Under Fire From Community
MALDEN, MA—Visitors claim that there was no fiendish fun to be had throughout the entire non-hair-raising experience.
