METUCHEN, NJ—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Ken Bley, 41, announced he had no clue what he went downstairs for. "I don't think ...

MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shock, dismay and fabulous money-saving opportunities were just part of the aftermath of a tragic mass-discounting Monday, when a price-gun-wielding maniac opened fire ...

HAMILTON, OH—Household sources reported Monday that Joshua Hunt, 10, has lost interest in Raggles, the 4-month-old Cocker Spaniel he received on Christmas Day. "For ...

MURFREESBORO, TN—In the fourth such reprisal for bad behavior this week, Daddy is hitting Mommy again, under-the-bed sources reported Tuesday. The hitting, which was ...

COLUMBUS, OH—In an incident observers are calling "kinda weird," mid-level celebrity Bernadette Peters' name came up twice Monday in separate conversations had by Columbus ...

SPENCER, WI—Contrary to claims made on the financial institution's complimentary pens, key chains and insulated can coolers, local resident George Pilarcik may not ...

OMAHA, NE—Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it ...

NEW LONDON, CT—Police are urging all women to be on the lookout for fit SWMs who claim to enjoy new adventures.

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that it? Yeah ...

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of ...

LEWANAHO COUNTY, WI—Area resident Gary Pavlik's obsession with Lewanaho County history is becoming a bit sad, sources reported.

DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves...

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays, it was ...

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Determined to "get good and comfortable" in his new La-Z-Boy "Dynamo" Reclina-Rocker after a big meatloaf dinner, area resident Gil Siebert paused Tuesday ...

PHOENIX—The bedroom of Jeffrey Worthen has that weird sort of Jeff smell, housemates of the 22-year-old Rio Salado Community College art student reported Tuesday.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—A local teenager was in stable condition Monday after nearly being crushed to death by the 263 corporate logos he recklessly wore at ...

BANGOR, ME–Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk ...

CANTON, OH–Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. "Sheri's got ...

LEESBURG, FL–Local consumer Jerome Bishop returned home from Radio Shack Tuesday with a newly purchased telephone, two polystyrene foam blocks, a protective plastic pouch ...