ARLINGTON, VA—Under heavy scrutiny for alleged improper conduct in connection with his recent 10th birthday, Arlington-area birthday boy Joshua Stern admitted to accepting gifts ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A thoroughly ordinary love affair between Chicago-area suburbanites Stephen and Denise Feeney has broken none of the rules, shocking no one with its ...

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow ...

BOWLING GREEN, KY—For weeks, 11-year-old Brian Kolodiczek loudly boasted to classmates that he was going to get back at everyone who had caused him ...

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away ...

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan ...

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment ...

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the McWinns ...

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have ...

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader ...

SPARTANBURG, SC—In a clear case of retail irony, on Monday, Furniture World owner/pitchman Mort Neely appeared in his latest television commercial dressed as ...

WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an exclusive private school in ...

STEVENS POINT, WI—Part-time dishwasher and self-described "utter failure" Eric Mayhew opted to call in sick and spend the rest of the day in bed ...

MACON, GA—James Stotts, a 900-pound man whose morbid obesity has made him dependent upon family, friends and neighbors for most of his adult life ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Second-generation Chinese-American laundry owner Raymond Chen is under heavy fire this week from Bay Area activists who call him "an insulting caricature that ...

BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an ...