Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls
EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have ...
Local
10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations
RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader ...
Clown-Suited Furniture Salesman Not Clowning Around When It Comes To Big Savings
SPARTANBURG, SC—In a clear case of retail irony, on Monday, Furniture World owner/pitchman Mort Neely appeared in his latest television commercial dressed as ...
Madcap Romp Escalates Into Zany Hijinks
WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an exclusive private school in ...
Utter Failure To Spend Rest Of Day In Bed
STEVENS POINT, WI—Part-time dishwasher and self-described "utter failure" Eric Mayhew opted to call in sick and spend the rest of the day in bed ...
Nine-Hundred-Pound Man Left To Die
MACON, GA—James Stotts, a 900-pound man whose morbid obesity has made him dependent upon family, friends and neighbors for most of his adult life ...
Chinese Laundry Owner Blasted For Reinforcing Negative Ethnic Stereotypes
SAN FRANCISCO—Second-generation Chinese-American laundry owner Raymond Chen is under heavy fire this week from Bay Area activists who call him "an insulting caricature that ...
Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple
BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an ...
Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup
PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely ...
Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living
BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what ...
Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties Of Long-Term Relationship
AMHERST, MA—A mix tape made by Mandy Honig for boyfriend Jeff Kent in honor of the couple's one-year anniversary expresses the many subtleties ...
Female Cop Goes Undercover In Strip Club
VAN NUYS, CA—All her life, 23-year-old Candi Jacobs has been a by-the-book, no-nonsense type, singlemindedly dedicated to one thing–her career in law enforcement.
Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to relinquish ...
Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do
HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there ...
Masturbator Held For Questioning In Series Of Brutal Masturbatings
SALEM, IN—Salem Middle School eighth grader Jeremy Royce, 15, was detained and questioned by police officials for more than three hours Monday in connection ...
Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings
ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is ...
