Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup
PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely ...
Local
Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living
BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what ...
Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties Of Long-Term Relationship
AMHERST, MA—A mix tape made by Mandy Honig for boyfriend Jeff Kent in honor of the couple's one-year anniversary expresses the many subtleties ...
Female Cop Goes Undercover In Strip Club
VAN NUYS, CA—All her life, 23-year-old Candi Jacobs has been a by-the-book, no-nonsense type, singlemindedly dedicated to one thing–her career in law enforcement.
Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to relinquish ...
Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do
HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there ...
Masturbator Held For Questioning In Series Of Brutal Masturbatings
SALEM, IN—Salem Middle School eighth grader Jeremy Royce, 15, was detained and questioned by police officials for more than three hours Monday in connection ...
Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings
ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is ...
Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan
MANHATTAN, NY—Nestled in the southeast corner of New York State, Manhattan is an old-fashioned sort of community, the kind of place where people still ...
Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings
TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can ...
Stupid Thing Won’t Work
RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday ...
Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error
BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio ...
Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck-Wagon Disaster
SAN JOSE, CA—Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions, a family dog is widely ...
Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed
PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church ...
Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back
JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn ...
