Local
Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now
BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star ...
Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged
LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted ...
Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning
ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly ...
Occupancy Limit Hopelessly Optimistic
Occupancy Limit Hopelessly Optimistic
Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door
WATERVILLE, ME—The ongoing divorce of Julia Blanchard and Russell Ochoa has been pretty rough on the screen door that leads from their house to ...
Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together
Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You
DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake ...
Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend
PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working ...
High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day
BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up ...
Area Man Now Checks Inside Boat In Driveway Every Morning
WAUKEGAN, IL—After learning Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev had been hiding inside a boat parked in a Massachusetts man’s backyard, 46-year-old Ethan ...
Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10 ...
Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at ...
Gun Show Vendor Jokes With Insane Customer About How He Hopes He's Not Insane
ANDERSON, IN—While he was selling mentally unstable customer Bernie Lovell a brand-new hunting rifle earlier this afternoon, local gun show vendor Mark Palmer joked ...
