Continued gray skies until you try the new antidepressant from the makers of Effexor.
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    Featured Section: Masculinity

    We've Had Our Differences, But I'd Be Willing To Serve As Obama's Secretary Of State

    Commentary • ISSUE 48•51 • Dec 17, 2012
    By Kid Rock

    Man Stays Up Most Of Night Rocking Cat Back To Sleep

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•46 • Nov 17, 2012

    Hot Puerto Rican Scientist Sweeps Latin Nobel Prize Awards

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•46 • Nov 16, 2012

    President-Elect Edwards Seen Entering Chinatown Massage Parlor

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•45 • Nov 9, 2012

    Box Of Old Playboys Found, Good Ones Too

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•40 • Oct 5, 2012

    Male Marsh Wren Chirping His Balls Off To Attract Mate

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•35 • Sep 1, 2012

    Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

    News • ISSUE 48•25 • Jun 20, 2012
    NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom's full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his ...

    Greeting Each Other Like Normal Human Beings Impossible For Local Friends

    News • ISSUE 48•12 • Mar 24, 2012
    PHOENIX—Persons close to Jake Parmentier and Mike Seifkes told reporters Saturday that despite being full-grown adults with jobs and families, the two longtime friends ...

    48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

    News • ISSUE 48•07 • Feb 11, 2012
    WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconven ...

    Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board

    News in Photos • ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• • Jan 24, 2012

    Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

    Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

    News • ISSUE 48•04 • Jan 23, 2012
    WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this ...

    Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie

    News • ISSUE 45•15 • Apr 10, 2009
    LOS ANGELES—The film chronicles the painful ordeal of a fun-loving mechanic who meets a seemingly perfect woman but must soon fight for his own ...

    Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish

    News • ISSUE 45•05 • Jan 30, 2009
    AOMORI, JAPAN—"He was so hot and exotic-looking," said 17 year-old Misaki Nakajima, referring to the obese, unemployed character played by John Candy in Uncle ...

    Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal

    News • ISSUE 44•20 • May 12, 2008
    LOS ANGELES—Even though men with this hairstyle comprise just 3 percent of the US populace, activists argue, they make up 80 percent of TV ...

    New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt

    News • ISSUE 44•14 • Apr 5, 2008
    MINNEAPOLIS—"Open wide boys," Yoplait representatives announced. "Whether you're a tough guy, a badass, or a stone-cold sonofabitch, this is the yogurt for you."

    Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

    News • ISSUE 48•15 ISSUE 43•49 • Dec 3, 2007
    WASHINGTON—"All the feminist movement needed to do was hire someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business," new head ...

    Elderly Man Secretes Last Hormone

    Radio News • ISSUE 42•42 • Oct 22, 2006

    ESPN Courts Female Viewers With 'World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition'

    Sports News • ISSUE 43•19 ISSUE 42•02 ISSUE 41•39 • Sep 29, 2005
    BRISTOL, CT—Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first foray into ...

    A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off

    Commentary • ISSUE 41•20 • May 18, 2005
    By Charles Dubno

    Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

    News in Brief • ISSUE 40•23 • Jun 10, 2004
    COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely ...
    • 1
    • 2
    • Next

    Recent News

    Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day OffReport: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds3-Day Weekend Practically Already OverBiden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp ClaimGay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second ThingRestaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular MenuMan Eating McChicken Sandwich Can Tell McDonald's Switched Up Antibiotics

    Recent Videos

    Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

    Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice CommandsObama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

    • Longmire, "Unquiet Mind"

    • Regular Show, "Trailer Trashed"

    • TV: TV Club: Ring Of Fire

    • How to Traumatize Your Children Book

    • Assorted Headlines Pint Glasses

    • Cheat to Win Bracelet

    • Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

    • Best of Onion Sports: OSN Tackles Underreported Sports

    • Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

    Follow The Onion

    Receive The Newsletter

    • Onion News Empire
    • The Onion Live!
    • Personals
    • FAQ
    • Contact Us
    • Jobs
    • Media Kit
    • Privacy Policy
    • Franchising
    • RSS & Apps

    The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved