BBC Upgrades Flap To Row
LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords ...
Media
Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent...
New Fig Newtons Ad Preys On Inherent Human Weakness
NEW YORK—"Flattery, pride, self-aggrandizement, fear of rejection: This latest Fig Newtons ad campaign hits on all cylinders," a delighted advertising executive said.
U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein
WASHINGTON, DC—The re-hanging, which will be aired on all major networks, will be "brighter, cheerier, and more upbeat" than the first anticlimactic attempt.
While Clearing Out Desk, Dan Patrick Sobs Over Picture Of Him And Tim Kurkjian
BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN anchor Dan Patrick, who recently announced that he will leave the sports network in August, broke into spasms of...
Report: Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation
BRISTOL, CT—ESPN sources are confirming that longtime SportsCenter on-air personality Kenny Mayne is, as long suspected, completely...
James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan
NEW YORK, NY —"I had to tie up the loose ends," said the assassin, who ignored criticisms that killing Gandolfini was "predictable," "cheap," and "void ...
Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually
SANTA MONICA, CA—Despite accusations that Joshua Wyden is the dangerous and manipulative leader of a cult known as The Watchful Eye, a...
Report: Another Baseball Team Almost Does Something As Interesting As Yankees, Red Sox
NOT BOSTON OR NEW YORK—Something nearly worth reporting occurred either Saturday or Sunday—although no written records of the event...
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack
SAN CLEMENTE, CA—"We at least have to see the next new episode of Lost before spilling the blood of the infidels," cell leader and ...
Craig Kilborn Ready To Return To The Daily Show
LOS ANGELES—Former late-night television personality Craig Kilborn announced Monday that he has decided to return to the show he says he...
Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure
Venezuelan protesters took to the streets of Caracas after the Chavez government closed the popular-but-Chavez-critical television station Radio...
Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book
LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize The...
Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68 Percent Of People Hate Him
WASHINGTON, DC—In an East Room press conference Tuesday, President Bush told reporters that he had the "sneaking feeling" that 68 percent of...
Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.
MIDDLE EAST—The U.N. has issued a strongly worded thingy denouncing someone or something having to do with the vicious suicide whatevers that tore ...
'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence
CHICAGO—Producers have documented every single existential crisis or self-congratulatory epiphany that has been or could be experienced by a left-leaning agnostic.
