Nationals Carefully Laminate Stephen Strasburg
Nationals Carefully Laminate Stephen Strasburg
Baseball
Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training
PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—In a long-standing and pathetic family tradition, father and son Anthony and Justin Stroud this week made their incredibly depressing annual ...
2013 Spring Training Highlights
With baseball’s preseason heating up, Onion Sports examines the most exciting moments from the exhibition games.
Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations
TOKYO—In the midst of a successful run with the Netherlands national team at the World Baseball Classic, starting pitcher Orlando Yntema told reporters Wednesday ...
CC Sabathia Finds Hot Dog From Last Season In Glove
CC Sabathia Finds Hot Dog From Last Season In Glove
New Atlanta Braves Logo Features Gruesome Depiction Of Trail Of Tears
ATLANTA—Braves general manager Frank Wren announced Wednesday that the team’s new logo would feature a grim depiction of the numerous atrocities suffered by ...
Oh, Right, World Series
Uh, Giants Won
DETROIT—Sources close to Major League Baseball confirmed Tuesday that, oh, um, the World Series just happened.
Jim Leyland's Daughter Takes Off Work To Help Father Through World Series
DETROIT—Calling it a far more important use of her time right now, Patti Leyland-Ford, daughter of 67-year-old Tigers manager Jim Leyland, made the decision ...
Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco
COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under ...
A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'
NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex ...
Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids
SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too ...
Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players'
BOSTON—Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced at a press conference Thursday that the “Red Sox suck total shit this year” and confirmed his hatred ...
Cubs Fans Now Too Fat To Attend Games
CHICAGO—According to a statement released Thursday by the Chicago Cubs front office, fans of the 136-year-old baseball franchise are now too fat to attend ...
Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez ...
Minor-League Baseball Player Has No Idea Which Team's Farm System He's In Anymore
BURLINGTON, VT—Utterly disoriented after changing minor-league teams and cities several times in the past year, Vermont Lake Monsters pitcher Shane McCatty told reporters Saturday ...
Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride
HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the ...
David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning
BOSTON—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Monday that he believes an intermission similar to the seventh-inning stretch—but even better—happens midway ...
Struggling Marlins Begin Construction On New Stadium
MIAMI—After a disappointing start to their inaugural season in Marlins Park, Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria unveiled plans Friday to build a new waterfront ...
Colorado Rockies Claim High Elevation Makes Their Record Seem Worse
Colorado Rockies Claim High-Elevation Makes Their Record Seem Worse
