NBA Basketball
Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone
LINTON, IN—While sitting at the Sportsman Pub’s bar Thursday, local man Gregory Quinn, who has never felt so lonely and isolated in his ...
Greg Oden Suppresses Severe Shooting Pain All Over Body During Meeting With Heat
INDIANAPOLIS—Having already received interest from several other NBA teams, reports confirmed Thursday that former Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden suppressed acute shooting pains ...
Derrick Rose Wondering If He Should Start Rehabbing Knee Sometime This Summer
CHICAGO—Fourteen months after undergoing surgery to repair a torn ACL, Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose told reporters Wednesday that he’s thinking about ...
Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick
‘Look At How Massive This Dude Is,’ Gushes GM
NEW YORK—Praising the 5’11”, 295-pound man’s bulging muscles and massive, ripped physique, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced their selection of bodybuilder Manfred Sampson ...
Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft
With the 2013 NBA Draft quickly approaching, Onion Sports breaks down the best collegiate and international basketball players.
City Of Miami Delighted By Impromptu Parade
MIAMI—Calling the seemingly unplanned celebration “quite the party,” city residents were reportedly delighted at the impromptu parade that broke out in downtown Miami on ...
Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7
MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that ...
Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes
MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking ...
LeBron James Announces Retirement
‘I’ve Accomplished Everything I Ever Dreamed Of,’ Says Former NBA Superstar
MIAMI—After an enormously successful professional career spanning nearly a decade, Miami Heat small forward LeBron James brought his playing days to a close Thursday ...
NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To
Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome
MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts ...
Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History
DURHAM, NC—A new study published on fan behavior this week revealed that the common practice of waving objects behind the basket to distract free ...
Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More
CHARLOTTE, NC—Bobcats owner Michael Jordan announced Wednesday that he has officially hired Patrick Ewing as the team’s assistant coach purely to watch the ...
NBA Finals
The Miami Heat battle the San Antonio Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy.



















