News

Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called "Thinking Outside The Crayon Box" in which he outlined an oddl... more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | Slideshow
NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | News

FAIRFAX, VA—National Rifle Association Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre said Monday that somewhere around 1,000 kids would have to die in a school shooting in order for the organization to reconsider their longstanding opposition to g... more»
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters

ISSUE 48•22 | 05.25.12 | Onion Review

Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy with his broad autistic following, and a friend who said goodbye 10 minutes ago is still on Gchat. more»
Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Radio News
Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive. more»
Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | News in Brief

MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled floors, Memphis Airport's Panda Express is now the the nation's most depressi... more»
Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | Newswire

Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat more»
Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.23.12 | News

HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday. This list, which is ... more»
Photostat Inc. (PHO)

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | Stockwatch

$14.72 (+$1.30) (-9.7%) Acquisition rumors have created buzz for this social-media startup that restores digitally yellowed and mottled photos to clear and bright quality images worthy of today's cameras. more»
First McDonald's Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.22.12 | This Week In History

The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, and the opening of the first McDonald’s with a young Grimace just starting out as a cashier. more»
Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.21.12 | News

MONTGOMERY, AL—The Alabama Department of Education reported Wednesday that its sole textbook has begun to seriously show its age after more than a decade of heavy daily use at the state’s 1,500 public schools. Officials said the decrepit tome,... more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.21.12 | Slideshow
Harrison Ford Chuckles To Self Upon Realizing He Hasn't Been In Movie People Liked In 18 Years

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.18.12 | Onion Review

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012. more»
Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.17.12 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the best he's seen in his 30 years on the force. more»
Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.17.12 | News

BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that's out to make [him] look like a fool." ... more»
German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.17.12 | Radio News
Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.16.12 | News

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing... more»
3M Co. (MMM)

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.15.12 | Stockwatch

$86.40 (-$1.03) (-1.2%) Investor confidence wavered following president and CEO Inge Thulin’s gory public suicide at this morning's annual shareholder meeting. more»
Alabama Hosts First Desegregated Mass Suicide

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.15.12 | This Week In History

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman. more»
Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.15.12 | News in Brief

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately. more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.14.12 | Slideshow
General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.14.12 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—In an unsettling attempt to increase brand visibility and broaden its demographic appeal, the General Mills corporation unveiled a new backstory for its iconic Honey Nut Cheerios bee character Monday, giving the cartoon insect a traumati... more»
Authorities Place Alabama Residents In Foster State

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.14.12 | Radio News
New Poultry Stripe Gum Hardly Tastes Like Goose After Chewing For One Minute

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.13.12 | News in Photos
5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.12.12 | News

ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. "Circles aren't my favorite anymore," said Billings, denouncing t... more»
Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.11.12 | Onion Review

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. more»
Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Wildlife biologists confirmed Friday they have documented multiple sightings of endangered gray wolves in the U.S. more»
Is This The Perfect Elbow?

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.11.12 | Sunday Magazine
Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.10.12 | News

DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation's mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today. Th... more»

News

Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting

The Week In Pictures

NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything

Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters

Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers

Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place

Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat

Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

Photostat Inc. (PHO)

First McDonald's Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier

Alabama School System's Lone Textbook Falling Apart

The Week In Pictures

Harrison Ford Chuckles To Self Upon Realizing He Hasn't Been In Movie People Liked In 18 Years

Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force

Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore

German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

3M Co. (MMM)

Alabama Hosts First Desegregated Mass Suicide

Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

The Week In Pictures

General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort

Authorities Place Alabama Residents In Foster State

New Poultry Stripe Gum Hardly Tastes Like Goose After Chewing For One Minute

5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape

Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight

Gray Wolves Sighted In Capitol Building For First Time In 85 Years

Is This The Perfect Elbow?

Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan