News
Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off
BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he ...
Report: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds
WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not ...
3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over
WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in ...
Timeline Of The War On Terror
0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept ...
Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard ...
Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones
President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.
Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing
SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual ...
Those Inspired To Pursue Medicine Because Of ‘Grey's Anatomy’ Now Entering Workforce
Those Inspired To Pursue Medicine Because Of ‘Grey's Anatomy’ Now Entering Workforce
Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness
LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of ...
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again
VISTA, CA—Following the devastating tornado in Oklahoma this week that killed dozens of residents and displaced many more, U.S.
2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific
WASHINGTON—Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterday ...
Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief
OKLAHOMA CITY—In the wake of yesterday’s devastating tornado that has so far left 24 dead and hundreds injured in the Oklahoma City area ...
Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy
Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out ...
Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome
Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and ...
Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome
Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and ...



















