News
American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day
CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to ...
Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students
ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy ...
Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails
CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link ...
Stanley Cup Shot 11 Times During Chicago Blackhawks Victory Parade
CHICAGO—Over the course of the 45-minute victory parade held Friday morning to celebrate the Chicago Blackhawks’ NHL championship, the Stanley Cup sustained nearly a ...
Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport
DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted ...
Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’
BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters ...
8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-Winning movie one day, the world's markets plunged into turmoil ...
Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner
HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner ...
God Proud Of Cockroaches
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father ...
Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution
AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight ...
Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'
WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights ...
Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman
NORMAN, OK—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 ruling this morning striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, local bigot Donald Pohlman, 45, reportedly ...
Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia
WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry ...
Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality
WASHINGTON—Condemning the decision as “dangerously reasonable” and “beyond level-headed,” vocal opponents of same-sex marriage strongly cautioned that this morning’s Supreme Court rulings supporting ...
Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress
WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of ...
Edward Snowden’s Current Options
The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are.
George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression
SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his ...
