Terrorist Living In U.S. Gets Why NSA Spying Such A Complicated Issue
UNDISCLOSED—In the midst of the ongoing national debate over the recently revealed NSA surveillance of American citizens, a Yemeni al-Qaeda operative currently living covertly ...
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Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College
CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who ...
Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline
CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C.
Report: Get Back To Fucking Work
WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck ...
Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster
BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty ...
Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One
Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they ...
Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking ...
Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching
WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama ...
Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute
WASHINGTON—While preparing to leave for work Monday, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder reportedly loaded up his iPod with dozens of Associated Press reporters ...
‘CC Sabathia Is Hurting Team,’ Report Yankees Trapped Beneath Pitcher
NEW YORK—Claiming that the left-hander was inflicting significant damage to the team, Yankees sources trapped beneath CC Sabathia told reporters Friday that the pitcher ...
Report: NHL Actually Has Had Hundreds Of Openly Gay Players For Years
NEW YORK—In the wake of NBA center Jason Collins and U.S. soccer midfielder Robbie Rogers coming out as homosexual, reports revealed Friday that ...
