Teen Pregnancy Rate Prompting More High Schools To Eliminate ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ Program
WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a ...
News
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave
SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the ...
UMass Dartmouth Beginning To Regret Offering Course In Applied Domestic Terrorism
DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at ...
Applebee's Introduces New 50 Appetizers For $250 Special
DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time ...
'Help Has To Be On The Way Now,' Thinks Syrian Man Currently Being Gassed
HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian ...
Article About One World Trade Center Building Includes Paragraph Explaining 9/11
NEW YORK—A news article published Tuesday about how One World Trade Center will soon become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere contained a ...
Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys
SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman ...
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus
BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to ...
Features Of George W. Bush Presidential Library
The technologically advanced and highly interactive George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open to the public on May 1 in Dallas.
Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10 ...
USDA Rolls Out New School Brunch Program For Wealthier School Districts
WASHINGTON—Declaring that every affluent child in America has the right to a well-balanced brunch, the U.S.
KurrencyKook.com Gives New $100 Bill Mixed Review
WASHINGTON—Currency-themed website KurrencyKook.com weighed in on the Department of the Treasury’s soon-to-be-released 2013 line of $100 bills with a decidedly mixed review ...
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail
BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today ...
Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies
WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls ...
Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character
BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week ...
Nation Starting To Realize New Era Of American Innovation Never Gonna Happen
WASHINGTON—After nearly a decade of promises that the nation was on the brink of a technological, economic, and scientific golden age, citizens across the ...
‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared
CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to ...
