News
Nation's Lower Class At Least Grateful It Not Part Of Nation's Middle Class
CHAPEL HILL, NC—A survey released Wednesday by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that despite the many challenges they face, the nation ...
300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid
NEW DELHI—According to estimates, roughly one-third of a billion Indian citizens were left without power Wednesday after workers successfully repaired the nation's electrical ...
Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too
NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told ...
Canon (CAJ)
$34.18 (+$1.78) (+5.5%) Stocks climbed after an independent study concluded that every single human being is now pretty good at photography.
NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules'
NEW YORK—Responding to widespread criticism of the network's decision to air coverage of Olympic events on a six-hour time delay, executives at NBC ...
Construction Workers Realize They Put Erie Canal In Wrong Place
The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa's stellar penal ...
Pictures Of Smiling Group Of People Taken Where John Lennon Was Murdered
NEW YORK—A smiling group of tourists, some giving the thumbs-up sign or making "bunny ears" behind one another's heads, posed to have their ...
Wendy's Wants Consumers To Know It's Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage
DUBLIN, OH—Responding to Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy's recent controversial admission of the company's donations to antigay groups, a statement from competing fast ...
Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle
THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part ...
Disastrous Ad Campaign Appeals To Basic Human Intelligence
LOS ANGELES—A new low was hit in advertising Thursday when an ad campaign appealing to basic human logic and rationality became the single-most money-losing ...
Wedding DJ Finally Gets The Chance To Listen To Some Black Eyed Peas On His Own Time
HAVERHILL, MA—Finding himself with an unexpected weekend off during the height of his busiest season, wedding DJ and pop music enthusiast Shawn DeFleur took ...
Fucking Oasis To Probably Be Worked Into Olympics Opening Ceremony
Chick-fil-A debuts its new homophobic sandwich, the 'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu,' a horrible couple really wants their wedding to reflect their personalities, and Uncle Ben's ...
Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride'
DES MOINES, IA—Sitting down on their living room couches Friday after running a few household errands, mothers across the nation told their children today ...
Man's Threshold For Sweating Down To 4 Stairs
Man's Threshold For Sweating Down To 4 Stairs
