Office | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Biden Jumping Motorcycle
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Last Updated 12:21 PM

office

Gunman Thought Coworkers Would Be Back From Lunch By Now

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.27.09 | News

NEW YORK—"Huh, I wonder where everyone is," said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. "Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now." more»
Fly On Wall Can’t Believe They're Restructuring Entire West Coast Division

ISSUE 45•40 | 09.29.09 | News in Photos
Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day

ISSUE 45•39 | 09.25.09 | News

NEW YORK—Following a particularly stressful day at her high-powered job, sultry career woman Jessica Barrett, 34, announced Tuesday she would take a hot, steamy bath upon returning to her spacious Manhattan penthouse. more»
World's Worst Person Decides To Go Into Marketing

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.31.08 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Twenty-three-year-old Louis Deenan, undeniably the most detestable, loathsome individual ever to walk the earth, willfully decided... more»
Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.30.08 | News in Brief

[media:83607]WAUKEGAN, IL—In what is being called a breakthrough discovery in worker-administrator relations, a study released Monday in the... more»
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.28.08 | Newsroom

Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp. more»
Businessman Takes Power Bath

ISSUE 44•15 | 04.09.08 | News in Brief

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to compete in today's "cutthroat" business environment, PricewaterhouseCoopers CEO Samuel DiPiazza has made... more»
Summer Intern Already Forgotten

ISSUE 42•37 | 09.07.06 | News

BOSTON—Even the receptionist, with whom Dan Klein once had an extended conversation about the importance of family, had no recollection of him ever having entered the office. more»
Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary

ISSUE 42•35 | 08.25.06 | News

EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years, vice president of finances Scott Winters finally found the "perfect gesture" to show his assistant how much she's always aroused him. more»
Area Man Finally Lands Dream Salary

ISSUE 42•34 | 08.18.06 | News

LOS ANGELES—Michael Dvorak has always known that, if he followed his heart, nothing would stand between him and $56,000 a year. more»
Only Guy Who Puts Paper In Copier Considers Himself A Hero

ISSUE 42•33 | 08.14.06 | News

BOSTON—Eric Greeley may very well be the only thing standing between an efficient work environment and total office anarchy. more»
Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

ISSUE 42•31 | 07.31.06 | News in Brief

BOSTON—The staff of Viacom's regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their operations,... more»
I'm Thinking About Getting Into Office Politics

ISSUE 42•30 | 07.26.06 | Commentary

I've always considered myself to be a natural leader with a devotion to higher ideals. By demonstrating responsibility, reliability, and... more»
Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 42•29 | 07.24.06 | Radio News
What Are We Doing On Our Lunch Breaks?

ISSUE 43•28 ISSUE 42•29 | 07.19.06 | Statshot
Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

ISSUE 42•25 | 06.16.06 | News

MONTCLAIR, NJ–Jennifer Lazar says she "just can't get motivated" to follow through on a 40-hour-a-week work program. more»
Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0

ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 42•09 | 02.27.06 | News

BALTIMORE, MD—As he defeated the software, accountant Wallace Peters raised his head with pride, then just laid his pencil down and died. more»
Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff

ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 41•16 | 04.20.05 | Sports News in Brief

BOSTON—Although the most strenuous thing he does in any given week is reload his office printer's paper tray, Red Sox fan Sean Mooney, 41, said he believes he may have torn his rotator cuff. "Ooh, I'm gonna have to ice this tonight," said Mooney, rubbing the muscle he pulled while removing a Massachusetts tax-code reference book from his shelf. "Now I know how [Red Sox pitcher] Wade Miller felt." Doctors said Mooney's condition is probably soreness resulting from a lack of regular exercise. more»
Office Manager Forced To Resort To Unfriendly Reminders

ISSUE 41•16 | 04.20.05 | News in Photos
Briefcase Full Of Porn

ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Photos
Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop!

ISSUE 41•11 | 03.16.05 | Commentary

What's your company's most important asset? The computers? Sure, you need those. The telephones? The office chairs? You need those, too. But your company has something a whole lot more important than any of these things. Your company's most important asset is your staff. You probably spend a lot of money updating your software, but how much money do you spend improving staff morale? Hi, I'm Matt Litton, and I'd like to tell you how a visit from my improv troupe One Dozen Eggs could be the key to unlocking your company's profit potential. more»
Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period

ISSUE 41•10 | 03.09.05 | Commentary

Listen and listen good, sir. I've had it up to here with the stress, the long hours, and bad pay. I'm a house of cards that's just about to collapse. I tell you, I'm half a month shy of my breaking point. Following my two-week notice as mandated by the terms of my employment, you can take this job and shove it! more»
Meek Coworker Taken Down A Notch

ISSUE 41•09 | 03.02.05 | News in Brief

MT. VERNON, IL—Patty Walther, a passive, mousy administrative assistant at Datalock Inc., was put in her place Tuesday by sales representative Martin Challey. "Oh, thank you for coming all the way over to my desk to return that valuable pen," Challey said sarcastically. "I don't know how I could've gotten any work done without it. I might've had to use one of the other 20 pens right in front of me." Challey last berated Walther Monday, when the quiet coworker brought in a plate of homemade brownies. more»
Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation

ISSUE 41•06 | 02.09.05 | News

PORTLAND, OR—Ron Butler left behind a 48-slide presentation explaining his tragic decision, coworkers reported. more»
Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides

ISSUE 40•50 | 12.15.04 | News

ABUJA, NIGERIA—Nigeria is excited for the chance to follow in the footsteps of Somalia, Rwanda, and Sudan. more»
Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down

ISSUE 40•48 | 12.01.04 | News

SALINA, KS—Shipping department manager Nathan Harrity refused to apologize Monday for the controversy surrounding the November issue of Shoppe Talk, the Vitamin Shoppe corporate headquarters' internal newsletter. more»
Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work

ISSUE 43•28 ISSUE 40•47 | 11.24.04 | News

SEATTLE—Frank Anderton, 24, spends his freewheeling, consequence-free post-college years working late at the office. more»
Workout Routine Broken Down For Coworker

ISSUE 40•44 | 11.03.04 | News

SAN JOSE, CA—Heritage Ink Supply sales rep Eric Vanderbilt explained to his coworker that he is going for a total-body workout. more»
Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant

ISSUE 40•43 | 10.27.04 | News

AMES, IA—The Oct. 22 office going-away party for Karl Roberts, manager for the past five years at Ames Farm Products Wholesalers, Inc., was "a little too jubilant," the 38-year-old former boss reported Monday. more»
Apartment-Hunting Tips

ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space: more»