Our Annual Year 2011
Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will
President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many ...
Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval
NEW YORK—Pfizer spokesman Vincent Martin announced that the company had achieved a major personal breakthrough Monday by finally summoning the courage and confidence to ...
Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine
NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 ...
Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet
LOS ANGELES—Citing the 17-year-old's awkward overuse of Native American imagery and general ability to make long lists of random adjectival phrases, the Jim ...
'Arby's Has Been Putting More Onion Bits On Their Buns,' Reports Man Sinking Into Heavy Depression
KANSAS CITY—According to local Patrick Johnson, the amount of crunchy onion bits baked into Arby's sandwich buns seems to have increased somewhat recently ...
Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People
BELMONT, MA—Though Mitt Romney is considered to be a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, the national spotlight has forced him to repeatedly ...
Libyan Rebels Still Working Full-Time At Other Jobs
TRIPOLI—Rebel forces hoping to oust Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi confirmed Tuesday that they were having difficulties coordinating their rebellion while still working a full ...
Lazy Event Planner Throws 'Bags Of Ice'–Themed Party
LOS ANGELES—Lacking the time, energy, or initiative to prepare anything better, Hollywood-based event planner Frankie Haines spent roughly 20 minutes last week organizing a ...
GOP Completely Fixes Economy By Canceling Funding For NPR
WASHINGTON—Unemployment plummeted and stocks soared Tuesday after Republican leaders fulfilled their promise to cut funding for National Public Radio, a budgetary move that has ...
Biden Calls Dibs On Qaddafi's Clothes
WASHINGTON—Interrupting a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden called dibs on the clothes of Muammar Qaddafi, saying ...
Harry Connick, Jr. Dies In Piano Fire
NEW ORLEANS—According to a statement released by the New Orleans Police Department, a piano fire claimed the life of celebrated singer Harry Connick, Jr.
Continued Existence Of Edible Arrangements Disproves Central Tenets Of Capitalism
WALLINGFORD, CT—Upending more than two centuries of free-market theory, leading economists across the globe announced Thursday that the fundamental principles of capitalism had been ...
Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever
SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark's apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn't really have any plans ...
