Our Annual Year 2011
Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance
CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering ...
Deaths Of 20,000 Japanese Afford Planet Solid 15 Minutes In Which Everyone Acts Like A Human Being
EARTH—Following the recent earthquake and tsunami that tragically took the lives of an estimated 20,000 Japanese citizens, the planet Earth was afforded a ...
Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens
WASHINGTON—Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S.
Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly
FORT WAYNE, IN—According to local computer programmer and Keira Knightley fan Tom Hayes, 38, the internationally known English film actress and model responded "much ...
Condé Nast Launches 'The New Yorker For Black People'
NEW YORK—Facing decreased ad revenue and a moribund print industry, publisher Condé Nast is attempting to capture a greater share of the dwindling magazine ...
Consumers Say Recession Changed Way They Blow Paycheck On Crap
WASHINGTON—A survey released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce found the nation's weakened economy has drastically changed the way consumers blow ...
Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation
LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S.
New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds
TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal ...
New iPhone Application Tracks Progress Of Deceased Loved Ones' Decomposition
CUPERTINO, CA—According to its description on the Apple App Store website, Decomposhop, a new application that allows users to track the putrefaction of their ...
Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party
Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party, My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie ...
Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife
WASHINGTON—Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife ...
CNN Anchor Interviews Al Jazeera Anchor Who Interviewed Libyan Rebels
NEW YORK—In an effort to provide viewers with an authentic, first-person account of conditions on the ground in Libya, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips ...
Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure
WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are ...
Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages After Obama Drops Defense Of Marriage Act
WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped ...
Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid'
ATLANTA—After deciding to disable his Facebook account in an effort to increase productivity, Chad Allen announced in a Facebook update Thursday that he was ...
Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them
LOS ANGELES—According to a comprehensive study released this week by researchers at UCLA, 87 percent of feature-length motion pictures would be significantly improved by ...
NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God
WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration ...
Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Been Praising Reagan
WASHINGTON—At a press conference Tuesday, visibly embarrassed leaders of the Republican National Committee acknowledged that their nonstop, effusive praise of Ronald Reagan has been ...
