Our Annual Year 2011
Anthropologists Trace Human Origins Back To One Large Goat
'Wait, That Can't Be Right,' Scientists Say
NEW YORK—An international team of anthropologists announced Monday it had traced the lineage of Homo sapiens back to a single large Pliocene-era goat.
Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans
HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the ...
Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook
CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a ...
Egyptian Populace To Hopefully Get Something Better Than Democracy Out Of All This
CAIRO—After more than a week of political protests, bloodshed, and cultural upheaval in Egypt, analysts are holding out hope that the Egyptian people will ...
A Troubled Sheen
After an all-night drug and sex party resulted in a trip to the emergency room, troubled actor Charlie Sheen announced that he would undergo rehab ...
Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech On Gun Control
WASHINGTON—President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of ...
U.S. Negotiating Mubarak's Severance Package
CAIRO—In an effort to provide monetary compensation to the Egyptian president for three decades of faithful service, U.S.
Illinois Supreme Court Deems Rahm Emanuel Sleazy Enough To Run For Mayor Of Chicago
CHICAGO—In a unanimous decision handed down on Thursday, the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was sleazy ...
Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth
WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American ...
Study: Family History Of Alcoholism Raises Risk Of One-Man Show
CHICAGO—According to an alarming new study released Monday by the University of Chicago, children raised in households where alcoholism is present are at a ...
Winona Ryder Finally Agrees To Sleep With Generation X
LOS ANGELES—After being a subject of Generation X desire for the better part of two decades, actress Winona Ryder announced Tuesday that she had ...
Report: It Going To Take Way More Than An Inconceivable Act Of Violence For Country To Rise Above Politics
WASHINGTON—Sources struggling to make sense of the shooting rampage in Tucson confirmed Wednesday that it would take much more than brutally gunning down a ...
Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws
TUCSON, AZ—Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left ...














